A letter to international leaders from an adoptive family

I have no voice, no audience with influential leaders.  The only avenue at my disposal is this blog and my prayers.  If I could have a few minutes of your time, Mr. or Mrs. Powerful leader of a country, this is what I'd tell you.

The global orphan crisis is alarming. Approximately 147-163 million children in the world are without parents. Due to the AIDS crisis and extreme poverty, that number grows daily. Certainly, everyone agrees that children should grow up in their homeland speaking their native lanuage. However, sometimes circumstances are not favorable toward that goal. When birthparents cannot or are not willing to parent, and an adoptive family in the country cannot be found, children should be allowed to grow up in a family that really wants them—even if in another race, culture, and country. Unfortunately, very few countries other than the US have a favorable view of adopting children born outside of their families.  The fact is, many many countries are in this situation. My husband and I have visited over 9 countries between us and have seen this repeated around the world. We all know that pride drives many a leader’s decision-making. So, Mr. or Mrs. National Leader, please, look at what is best for the children under your care.

      You read the few media reports of families that have major problems after adopting a child.  Media sensationalizes stories. That is what sells papers or boosts website visits.  What you don’t get to read about, because the media ignores it, are families like us.  Families who love their children completely and without reservation...yes, those children that have no biological connection to us. We educate the children, care for them when they are sick.  We provide speech, occupational, and physical therapy to those with special needs.  These children have grandparents who adore them and spoil them.  They have aunts, uncles, cousins, church families, and school friends to support and cheer for them. Families, just like us, who tuck their children in to bed each night and pray with them and ask God to bless the birthparents who are surely hurting from the decisions they had to make.  We are families who teach our children to respect their homeland and heritage. We are a normal family. There is nothing super human about us, just a deep love for the child that God hand-picked to have our last name.  And guess what?  There are lots of other families who would love to provide a forever family for a child who is orphaned.  You, Mr and Mrs. National Leader have made this endeavor so frustrating, the wait so long, the paperwork so daunting, the travel requirements so imposing, and the fees so overwhelming, that many good people give up.  Is it really more optimal for the children of your country to spend their lives in institutions rather than join a family overseas?  I beg you, as a mother, search your heart and ask for God to grant you wisdom.  The children, the ones who have no mama to kiss goodnight and no daddy to give them hugs, they are who you must consider when making life-altering decisions.

Defend the weak and the fatherless; uphold the cause of the poor and the oppressed. Psalm 82:3

I leave you with this.  My little boy saw a picture of a young boy who has no mother or father to call his own.  My little boy said "when can we go get him?".  I explained how hard it is to get the boy due to all the rules that some leaders made.  My son said "Awww, I want him."  You see Mr. or Mrs. Influential Leader, those children are precious.  We love them.  Do you?

We won't be announcing great news this week(long!)

...because there isn't great news to announce.  The past 2 weeks have been really hard.  Remember the post about the waiting 2 yr little boy in Korea?  How we were interested in adopting him if the other families fell through?  Well, they fell through.  We spent the last 2 weeks praying our hearts out about adopting the sweet angel.  Our pediatrician reviewed the file and felt good about him.  God seemed to speak his approval over and over.  Literally, one morning last week I woke up and instantly began thinking "I can't do this, no way can I add another kid right now!"  I went to my closet and opened my Bible to my daily Old Testament passage(remember, I follow a "read the Bible in a year" plan and don't pick the passages).  The first few words were the story of Gideon.  Ever studied that story?  Basically, Gideon was minding his own business, working the land, when an angel of the Lord appeared to him and said "Greetings, mighty warrior."  The angle unfolded how Gideon would be used in a huge way to save Isreal.  Gideon offered excuses about how he wasn't equipped, but God revealed how He would be with Gideon and strengthen him.  God used Gideon in a crazy and miraculous way to deliver Isreal from the oppressors.  I knew God was speaking to me from His Holy Word.  Another example, last Sunday night at church we had a special gathering and speaker.  Neal Jeffrey gave his testimony about growing up with a horrible stuttering problem(look it up on You Tube--amazing!).  He felt unloved, stupid, and unable to do anything good because he couldn't talk.  When he got saved, his life was changed because he realized that Jesus loved him exaclty like he was--severe speech disorder and all.  He talked about a Father's love and how when Neal failed in life, his daddy was always there to offer love.  Mike and I both left there feeling that God was telling us that the little boy in Korea was like Neal and deserved to be loved through the hard times and that we were that family. This type of "coincidences" kept happening and we felt like our word from the Lord was "keep moving forward."  When I talked to Carter about bringing this boy to our family, he said "Mom, my heart is for adoption."  TEARS!  How precious to see that our just turned 17yr old gets it.  He doesn't care that he won't be getting a newer car, a tv in his room, nicer clothes, and would have 1 more nutty little brother running around.  He understands that Jesus loves the orphan and that we are called to love them also.  I talked to Abby about it.  She said "sounds fun, I think we should do it".  Good gravy, it was more than my heart could take!

We needed to give our sweet caseworker an answer Monday so they could pursue other families for him if we declined.  As of Sunday night, we were torn.  Really, it was me.  Mike was all for moving forward IF I felt it was right(he has a huge daddy's heart).  Never have I respected my husband more than then.  He knew that the brunt of adjustment difficulties would fall on me.  This child would be 3 when he came home to our family.  He'd be terrified of us(especially Mike-at least Hudson was) and grieving the loss of his foster family.  He wouldn't sleep well for several months and would likely be joined at my hip for several months.  I work and we'd have to find childcare.  We don't have relatives living close by that could help keep "E" while I was at work.  I just started grad school.  How would I continue in school?  We have zero resources left to pay for adoption fees.  We pay for private, Christian school(glad to do it adn worth every penny--but still one more kid's tuition??). As for the money involved, that was not our biggest concern. We've adopted internationally 3 times and God always provides!  Yes, we sacrifice and work really hard, but He always comes through in crazy and cool ways.  I didn't think I could be a very good momma to the current kids with another little boy joining us. I found myself wondering "WWJHD?"  What would Jen Hatmaker do?

But, how could we not adopt him?  Bottom line....this boy needs a family.  His possible challenges are something we have dealt with before.  We could certainly love another Korean boy--they are super lovable and we are well-versed at adoption! We wanted to obey the Lord more than anything.

Monday morning came really early because Dillon was up roaming at 3:30am(he has some sleep issues) and Hudson was up at 5:15 couging so hard he vomited. Those 2 incidences sealed the deal for me. I  had to let our caseworker know our decision that morning.  I called her and said  couldn't do it.  I rambled about how I just didn't think I had enough left of me to give to another child.  I cried, I almost vomited.

So, now I'm angry!  Anger is a normal response in the grief process.  We had a name for this little boy.  We talked about him with our children.  We made plans for incoorporating him into our family:  putting a little bed in Dillon and Hudson's room, watching him start preK, contacting ESL teachers for his language transition.   But more than feeling a loss, I'm angry at the whole situation.  I'm ANGRY that there are 163 million orphaned children in the world and the circumstances that cause children to be orphaned.  I'm angry that our stupid culture has bought into the notion that more children in your family is a burden and that nice clothes,  expensive electronics, and a life-style of comfort and ease is what is worshipped in our country.  I'm angry that fees associated with an international adoption are high and scare off many good families.  I'm angry that Christians aren't running to bring home children like this little boy .  I'm angry that this little boy  might grow up in an institution if a family doesn't come forward to say "yes he is our son"! 

But most of all, I'mdisappointed in myself.  I am sad that I am not a super-hero-mom and I have do have limits. I guess I thought I could do it all.

You know, I used to teach adoption info classes for our agency.  One thing I always stressed to prospective families was that no child was a rescue project.  Every child deserves to be a wanted and loved member of a family.  If they were adopting out of a sense of duty--No bueno!  I guess I'm learning to live by my own teaching.

Thank you Meredith for you honest and encouraging daily emails as we walked through this.  You are right, guilt is not from the Holy Spirit.  Thank you Susie for your precious voicemail that made me smile at work yesterday.

Now, let's all get to praying for sweet little boy to find his forever family ASAP.

Book winner is...

Emily!  I drew it from a bowl.  Email me your contact info to beepa27@gmail.com and I'll snail mail the book to you.  Hope you enjoy it!

talking to friends about adoption

We had a super sweet dinner tonight with 2 families from  our church.  Both families are at different ages and stages of life, but both are very interested in building their families through adoption(they have biological children already).  Neither know which direction to head just yet and are praying for the Lord to speak to them clearly.  Mike and I have had a lot of these kinds of meals over the past 10 or so years.  This one was really nice. Our friends are kind, warm, and excited(and nervous) to grow their families through an adoption miracle.
I think Mike and I have grown, chilled, and matured a lot.  Truthfully, after Abby came home we(especially me) were adoption dynamos.  I was appalled at the apathy that the majority of Christians had towards adoption and orphans.  If a couple asked a few questions about our adoption process, I'd pounce on them. I think it almost was a way of validating--you know, if they began the adoption process then it made me feel like we'd accomplished the task.  Trouble was, we were disappointed over and over.  Many times Mike and I have had the conversation that begins with "I can't believe they haven't adopted."  Now, we are different.  I love talking to people about adoption and about our journey to build our family.  We openly share the joys, confusing times, the hurdles, the celebrations, the time delays, the mounds of paperwork, the zillions of rude and personal questions people ask us, the financial difficulties, and the wonderfully fun and brilliant experiences we've had being a transcultural family.  However, the personal agenda of convincing people into fostering and/or adopting is gone.  We have to come the place of letting the Holy Spirit speak into people's lives on His own.  Absolutely we cheer and educate followers of Jesus to be involved in fostering, adopting, and orphancare.  But, what they do with the info is their business.  Their lives are their lives and they may not be a family that is called to adopt(heck, there are some who flat out have no business adopting).
 As for Mike and I,our lives are blessed and amazing. The children we have, biological and adopted, add pieces to the puzzle that can never be replaced. We can only trust and obey the one in whom we live and have our being, Jesus Christ.

we won't be at camp..again

Korean Heritage Camp starts tomorrow.  Our adoption agency, Dillon International is the absolute best!  Post adoption support and education are their flagship services.  I feel like a loser Korean adoptive family.  We missed last year at camp.  Now, we are missing again.  But, for what it matters, Abby and I will be in Korea for 10 days in October.  I guess that trumps camp.  However, to all you transracial and transcultural adoptive families, it really is super important that you incorporate heritage events and meeting with other families who like like your family.  The shared experiences between the parents and between the children is so helpful. To my sweet friends enjoying each other in Tulsa this week, I miss you all.  Have fun and eat lots of bibimbop and kimchi for me!

Affording Adoption

My mother told me about a conversation she had with a young woman at church last week.  The lady is about to get married and she and her fiance are really burdened for orphaned children in the world.  She was telling my mom about how she felt called to adopt.  Funny thing is, she didn't know that my mother has 4 grandchildren through adoption.  Of course, mom was all gung-ho and told about ours and my sister, Melody's stories.  The young woman couldn't believe we'd adopted from Korea 3 times and said "but it is so expensive, how did they do that?  Oh, I know, God provided" (don't you just love the woman's simple faith that where God guides, God provides!?).  This is the good part--my mother said "No"!  Then she said "Well, yes, God did provide, but they made it a priority, a lifestyle, and sacrificed other things to be able to adopt."  Preach it Mom!!! 

It absolutely burns me up when people act interested in adoption and then when they ask me how much the fees are, they suddenly believe they aren't called to give a home/family to a parentless child.  What I'd really like to tell them...."So, your bank account, college savings, house and decor, new cars, vacations, and basically meaningless JUNK are worth it, but the 163 million orphaned children in the world aren't?"  And, not to mention the fact that fostering costs nothing and adopting through the state has very nominal fees, and many are waived! There are 500,000 children in the US foster system.  Texas has about 3500 children with parental rights terminated, waiting for a forever family to call their own.
  In  Luke 12:33-34 Jesus says "Sell your possessions and give to charity; make yourselves money belts which do not wear out, an unfailing treasure in heaven, where no thief comes near nor moth destroys. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also"

I love the last line.  Where your treasure is...your heart follows!  Where is your treasure?  Your heart will be there also.

Dillon's twin needs a family

You guys are not going to believe this!!  I got an email from a sweet friend of mine who wanted me to check out a lady's blog.  She said the blog reminded her of me because of my passion for the global orphan crisis.  I read the lady's blog(awesome writer and passionate heart for the orphan!).  It got me thinking about how years ago, I'd peruse waiting child sites all the time, just making sure I was up-to-date on my adoption issues, and, I could advocate for particular waiting kids.  So, I decided to check out Holt International's waiting child site, as they still post pics, most dont without a password.  Seriously, not at all exaggerating here, I found our precious Dillon's twin(5yrs younger)---waiting in an orphanage in the world for his own momma and daddy.  He is 3 years old and his medical and developmental description and picture could have been a straight from our home, 5yrs ago.  Click CHILD  to see him.



This is our Dillon at 3yrs old!


My heart completely breaks for this little boy.  Please, oh please, would one of you apply to adopt him?  I'm convinced that Dillon has done so well and gotten so healthy because God gave him his own family who push, love, pray, encourage, insist on the best treatments for him.  We aren't special at all--we are just a regular momma and daddy wanting our angel baby to thrive.  This waiting boy deserves that.  He doesn't care if you can't provide a shiny car, his own fancy room in a big house, a funded college account--he just desperately needs a family.

Going to meet the 4 kids

Remember my precious friends who totally stepped out in faith and said YES to adopting a sibling group of 4 kids(ages 4-12) in Ethiopia??  Well, their process has been sllllllooooww.  So, Jessica and a friend, are leaving today to go visit those sweet darlings.  They have gifts and letters expressing their love for the children who are living in an orphanage.  Can you just try to envision the children's faces?  Oh, it is so sweet.  I wish I could come and take pics and see how God turns beauty from ashes--from being orphaned, living in an orphanage, wondering if you'll ever get a new family--to a beautiful auburn haired mamma flying from the other side of the world, delivering words of love and sweet treats.  Precious isn't it?

parenting to attach

Once again, I'm probably divulging too much, but I'm convinced there are new adoptive mommas out there going through challenges and do get the straigh answer from people they talk too.  So, if you are one of those mommas--this post is for you!
I'm changing my techniques.  Hudson needs a new approach.  He is doing great, really happy, smart, jolly, affectionate--most of the time.  However, he does have a propensity to come unglued at something small and go into a loud crying fit that lasts about 10 minutes.  Remember how he used to vomit in public when he was overstimulated?  Now he cries, no actually shrieks with tears, when mad.  I admit it, it irks me.  Anyway, lately, Hudson has had more of these tirades, interestingly enough they are only with me! Last week it hit me that I had stopped parenting to attach.  He's been home a 1yr and 9 months(was 22months when he came home).  It seems he's always been with us and I had quit trying to look at his behavior through empathetic eyes.  So, I reviewed my favorite adoptive parenting book, The Connected Child, by Dr. Karyn Purvis. Now, when the downward spiral starts, I scoop him up--kicking and screaming all the way, and go to my bedroom rocking chair.  I hold him tightly against me and sing Praise and Worship music.  It sounds sweet and all doesn't it?  The first few minutes he hates it.  He squirms to try to get out and cries all the louder, trying to drown out my voice.  But, after about 5-10 minutes, he is calm and fine.  The reality is that this takes a LOT more of my time.  It would be so much easier if I ignored the bad behavior or sent him to his room.  But, the last thing she recommends for at-risk children is isolation.  She writes offer warm interaction so that your child gets the message that "I do not need to be afraid of this adult.  I am a person of value to this person."  Be responsive so that your child gets the message that "this adult understands what I feel.  I am safe here."  And later, talking about time-in instead of time-out, she says "These isolating strategies may be useful for biological lchildren who are alredy connected and emotionally bonded to their families.  But isolating and banishing strategies are extremely problematic for at-risk children, because these kids are already disconnected from rlationaships, attachment-challenged, and mildly dissociative because of their early histories of neglect and abuse.  Isolation is not therapeutic for them."  The end result is worth it.  I enjoy the feeling of a squishy toddler molded to my lap, rocking and singing.  Precious memories for me and, hopefully, better ability to regulate his emotions and feel bonded and safe.

I hope this encourages some of you out there.
Next up:  my best budget App tool

Orphan ministry-shoes

Hudson and I took a road trip this morning to deliver 52 pair of shoes and 42 pair of socks that our church collected the past few weeks for Shoes For Orphan Souls, click HERE for info about the organization.  It was a really cool place.  They let kids come volunteer with adults.  I'm planning on taking a small group from our church to help sort shipments of shoes.  Anyone up for coming along?

This was our first endeavor in our launch of an orphan and at-risk children ministry at church.  Sllllooowww going, but yet, going all the same.  Our pastor is fired up and supportive--I'm thankful for that.  I'm pretty sure the people at church see me as the annoying adoption/orphancare fanatic.  That's okay, I'll take that label and run with it ;)  147-163 million orphaned children in the world deserve a few fanatics!

Bonding and Attachment revisited

I've gotten a few emails from sweet families in their first adoption experience.   Naturally, they are wanting to be prepared for the child's arrival and hope to initiate good bonding right off the bat.  I wrote about toddler adoption and attachment last year.  Click HERE if you'd like to read it.

The funny thing with attachment and bonding is that it seems to cycle.  Maybe that isn't everyone's experience.  I feel like I've gone through different stages at various times.  My kids seem to go through various attachment stages too.  Many factors can affect the attachment cycle.  What concerns me is the movie/tv version of adoption.  Either the adoption experience is highly magical and everyone is falling in love and crying like crazy because they are so happy.  Or, Hollywood loves to show the negative and sensationalized adoptions that do not go well.  I want new adoptive families to cut themselves some slack.  This miraculous experiences isn't always violins playing in the background and hearts floating.  Sometimes you "fake it till you make it."  A traumatized child and an exhausted parent do not always feel instantly in love.  But, that's the thing about love--it isn't a feeling.  Love is a daily choice and decision. 

Our adoption agency is excellent at preparing families for the changes their family will likely go through.  If you'd like some good resources, click DILLON to see books, articles, webinars, classes and such.  Read lots of adoption books(my favorite is The Connected Child and Are Those Kids Yours).  Don't get overly caught up in leftist, humanistic junk, but do glean the insight and tips.  And, most of all, remember that our God is a God of healing and restoration.  Begin praying now for your soon to be child's heart to be bonded to yours.  For you family to remove barriers to attachment.  For Jesus to soothe the child's trauma that he/she has experienced in being disrupted from parents, in abuse, in institutional living.  He delights in giving a crown of joy in place of sorrows, in replacing beauty for ashes!

Clueless or just plain rude?

We've had our share of stupid comments and/or questions over the years.  Funny how strangers feel entitled to ask about your fertility, how your children joined your family and your motivations to adopt, how much it costs and all kinds of personal questions.  Really, it doesn't happen near as frequently as it used to.  Last week I experienced the end all of annoying conversations.

I was in a fast food restaurant that, I swear, fries everything but the sweet tea!  It was me, Abby, Dillon, and Hudson.  There was a line and we were waiting.  This grandmotherly women was in front of us with 2 boys, about 9 yrs old.  She looked at me, looked at the kids, and smiled.  I braced myself because my spidey-nerves were tingling.  I could see the ignorance that was about to come my way.  "Where did you get these kids from?"  Yep, the kids were standing right there.  I tried to fake that I didn't know what she was talking about.  So, I said "What do you mean, oh, you mean originally?  They were born in Korea."  I patted Dillon's head and smiled through clenched teeth--my sweet Southern way of signaling her to back off.  Didn't work.  She asked "So, they aren't natural brothers and sister?"  Seriously, my blood pressure had to have shot up to 200 systolic.  I was feeling the heat in my face.  I said "They are now!"  The grandson piped up and said "So, are they adopted or something?"  I smiled at him and nodded my head.  The other boy who was standing there said "Sssh, you're not supposed to talk about that."  To this, ignoramous grandmother said "Oh, it's alright, just look at them, it's obvious they were adopted, they are Oriental" 

I have never experienced such blatant disregard for people's feelings.  Thank goodness it was their turn to order.  I know she didn't mean to be ugly and offensive.  She probably thought she was quite enlightened. 


By the way, rugs and food are Oriental, people are Asian.
Becoming a sibling through adoption is just as natural as giving birth.

2 years ago an email changed our family

Often divine moments look like inconveniences on the front end—Erwin Raphael McManus
 




 
 
Two years ago tonight, Mike and I read an email that our adoption agency, Dillon International, sent out.  There was a 15months old baby boy in Seoul Korea who needed a family.  When I read it, my heart beat really fast.  He sounded like a perfect match for our family.  Of course, it was nuts.  We had 3 kids, I work, Mike's job is demanding, our youngest was in kindergarten, has some special needs, but was becoming more self-sufficient.  A toddler thrown in would certainly be challenging.  Then there's the money issue.We had nowhere near what we would need to start from scratch adopting internationally, not to mention daycare costs.  It would certainly set us way back in retirement type goals. 

But alas, the little boy was ours.  God doesn't care about all the logical reasons not to do something a little nuts.  That week was so so so stressful , as we prayed and perused over his referral and medical papers.  He had some medical and background risks.  Yet, in my heart I knew he was perfect.  We really couldn't discuss with people what we were considering.  We begged God to make it super clear what His will was--yes or no.  10 days later, I called our social worker at Dillon and said YES.  It was an amazing journey and God provided faithfully.  We got a very generous grant from the Dillon Building Families Fund and many people donated to our adoption journey(even people we'd never met) we hope to continue to donate generously back so that other families can have their dreams come true.

The past 2 years have been pretty wild and really sweet watching him flourish and our hearts fall in love with the chubby cheeked boy we stared at in pictures, but didn't know.
I found this picture on my old phone.  We are sitting in the airport in Korea.  He was a terrified little man not understanding anything that was happening.(side note, oh my, I'm looking so wrinkled, anybody recommend a good anti-wrinkle cream?)



Hudson has adjusted great.  He is so unlike our other kids.  He is loud, rough and tumble, drinks his sippy with a vengenance and makes a loud "ahhh" sound when the last drop is gone.  He is totally obsessed with Thomas the Tank and knows all the engines names.  He loves church nursery, can skip, sing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star and Happy Birthday.  He naps 2 hours everyday--but when he's awake--it's 90mph!  At night time when we put him to bed he says "I love you too, I love you best" in his sing-songy voice.


In honor of Hudson Lee, I encourage all of you to JUMP IN!  If God has presented a crazy opportunity that doesn't make sense on paper--JUMP IN!!

When not to adopt

This post stems from a conversation I had recently with my friend.  She is concerned about someone she knows how is talking about adopting again.  They recently adopted a toddler from another country.  It seems that they may possibly view the little girl as a cute accessory or rescue project.  They don't appear to understand the huge adjustments the family needs to make or the life-long ramifications that come with adopting a toddler, with some minor medical needs, from another country.  I am very concerned about all the people who think they should adopt because "there are so many kids who need a home."  Or maybe, as I heard David Platt put it they think it is cute to send their Christmas card picture that shows the baby they adopted from another country--like a fashion statement. 

Adoption is for LIFE!  Adoption is not the mere process of securing legal rights to a child.  It is a decision to make that child your beloved son or daughter--everyday of every year.  If a family has the wrong motive to adopt, what happens when the kid isn't cute anymore?  What happens when he/she has learning disabilities, ADHD, fetal alcohol syndrome, or acts out innapropriately because the only man in the family used the child for his twisted pleasure?

Adoption is also stressful.  The unknowns, the probes into your privacy, the fees, the applications, the fingerprints, the attachment and bonding time etc.  You need to have a strong desire for loving the child to make you persevere.

Yes, I'm a HUGE proponent of adoption.  With 147-163 million orphans in the world and 500,000 kids the US foster system--yes I think lots and lots of people should adopt.  Heck, going out on a limb here--but there are several families I know who have all the resources they need and are great parents and it kills me that they aren't adopting. 

But, not everyone should adopt and no child deserves to be the answer to a guilty concience.  Most of the world's orphaned children have already experienced more loss in their short lives than you and I could imagine.  They do not deserve to be someones ticket to be cool, spiritual, or soothe a guilty conscience.  They do deserve to be someone's priceless treasure-cherished!

The only motivation has to be love--no matter what--the "we are in this 100% " kind of love--the good, the bad, and the ugly.  After all, as David Platt also spoke about, that is what Christ's work on the cross was for us.  No matter the poor choices, the selfishness, the sins, the innapropriate behavior, the special needs, the skin that looks different, He gave it all for love.

But, that was my child!

How many of you have been in this boat? 

You get a referral, or see a waiting child, and you know in your heart--for sure--that was your child.  But, circumstances came up and it did not happen the way you'd planned.  Adoption loss is huge and real!!  Nobody but fellow adoptive parents can understand how much you can bond and grieve over an adoption plan of child--even without ever seeing that child in person.

Since my dear soul sister,Sunny, (whom I've never actually met but it seems we are twins separated at birth) mentioned that she'd experienced this too, I figured a  post was in order.  I was telling another dear friend of mine about this experience.  She's grieving an adoption plan loss right now.

I've experienced a few adoption losses, certainly not the gut-wrenching kind of having a referal several months and then it not happening--but still painful.

  The first was a little hiccup in our journey to Abby.  I've told this story before.  If you'd like to read about the baby we almost pursued in Cambodia, clickHERE

It hurt to let her go.  Then, Cambodia closed to adoptions and 10 years later is still closed.  It breaks my heart to think of her growing up alone, in an orphanage.  Experts say that about 60% of orphaned girls who grow up and age out of orphanages turn to prostitution to earn a living.  God-protect her!!!

The next adoption loss was more of a solo experience. I'm going to be very transparent here and share my heart.

 Many years ago, when Dillon was about 2 or 3, I fell head over heels in love with a waiting baby boy on Dillon International's Korea page.  OH, guys, you'd just die if you could see him.  At the time he was waiting for a family, he was very young--only 4 months old.  He had the fattest cheeks and I was completely smitten with the cherub.  Mike, on the other hand, was sure our family was not ready for another child.  I printed off the little guy's picture and carried it in my purse.  I'd take that picture out and dream and pray and literally--kiss that photo.  He was beautiful!  He was special needs because of a genetic disorder that demanded a special diet.  Otherwise, he was healthy.  I knew it wouldn't be easy, or cheap, to raise this litte guy.  But, when you are in love, love is all you see.  I even  named him.  For several weeks I'd pray for God to work a miracle for us to adopt that little one.  One day at work, my patient's grandaughter visited.  When they told me she had the same genetic disorder as "my" baby, my heart began racing.  I talked to her all about how to get the certain foods that the child would need.  She was full of good info and they lived 10minutes from us and could be a good support.  I'd  never met anyone else with this condition--and since then never have.  I was sure it was a sign that God was speaking to me and confirming.  Still, Mike wasn't feeling led in that direction.  I'd cry buckets into my pillow.  I loved that baby and the baby desperately needed a good home.  I was shocked when a fellow Korean adoptive mother that I know(had already adopted 2 with special needs) announced they were adopting MY baby!!!  On one hand, I was thrilled that he would get a great home.  On the other hand, I was devastated.  For weeks I'd planned my life with that child.  In some ways like a miscarriage almost(which I've also experienced). 

You know what?  It wasn't God's plan or timing.  I'd jumped ahead and let my mommy emotions carry me away.  My husband was the stable one, patiently waiting on God's call for us to adopt again.  Of course, he was right!!  During those next few years we had to expend a lot of resources, time, and energy on trying to get our little Dillon Micheal healthy and the help he needed to develop well.  Then, on February 22,2009 we got the email from Dillon International about our sweet blessing-- Hudson.  It was a match made in Heaven. 

If you are going through something similar, I want to say 1)  I understand how much it hurts when things don't work out the way you'd planned   2) if you are a Christ-follower, I promise, His plan is best.  Wait for His best--not your attempt at making something be the plan for your life

Zero to 4

I'm so happy to shout a big congrats to my dear friends, Ryan and Jessica.  They signed papers last week to adopt a waiting sibling group of FOUR gorgeous African children ages 4 to 12.  They are currently childless---zero to 4 instantly(well, not instantly, their journey to parenthood has beeen loooong and painful!)
YIPPPEEEE!  Talk about fun times ahead.  Imagine next Christmas, can't you see the hilarious excitement for 4 former orphans and 2 former parentless adults?  A match made in heaven.  I'm so proud of them.  And let me explain this...I'm so proud of them for obeying God's call on their lives!  I'm not so proud of them for "being crazy enough to adopt 4 older children of another race", as some say.  For that implies that these kids aren't worthy of a home, that a family would be crazy to want to bring these kids into their lives.  No way.  These kids are going to be a wonderful blessing for Jessica and Ryan, just as Jessica and Ryan will be a wonderful blessing for these kids.  If you'd like a sneak peek at them, clickHere  

To celebrate the great news I took our 4 awesome kids to get ice cream(okay, it really had nothing to do with that--I just wanted ice cream--what New Year's resolutions?!).   The catch was that we all wore our pjs!  Carter was aghast and said "but I'm in highschool and have a social life."  He wore sweats.  Bummer, cause when we got to McDonalds, only a lone old man was there to see  us :(

So tired of my kids being "aliens"

Here is a ranting that must be done.  I am soooooooooooooooooo sick of dealing with beauricratic idiotic policies regarding adopted children. 

The simple story.  I have made 4 trips to the Social Security Admin office in the city since Hudson came home.  Only one of those trips was simple and successfull.  I went this morning to have a simple name change on his SSN card since his first one is with his Korean name.  After 3 different workers couldn't figure it out, a supervisor came over and asked if I had his green card.  I said "No, that is the one thing I didn't bring"(had adoption decree, amended birth certificate, original sscard, my identification).  She informed me that I had to come back with the green card and they'd change his name, but he'd still be classified as a lawful alien. I told her that this was our 3rd Korean adoption and we'd been dealing with this for 10yrs.  The Child Citizenship Act of 2000(11yrs ago people) states that adopted children would be considered full American Citizens after the adoption is finalized and WHEN could I see SSA reflect that law??  Of course, she had nothing to do with the SSA's policies, she's a worker bee, I get that.  But, this is ridiculous!!!!!!!!! 

I've made 3 different trips to the bank to open Hudson a savings account and they always need something else.  They wouldn't open one in his name until we had a new birth certificate.  Now they won't open it because his SSN card has his Korean name.  The SSA won't give him a new SScard until I come back with the green card.  Then his SScard will be flagged as a lawful alien until we get a Certificate of Citizenship from the Dept. of Homeland.  The Department of Homeland charges 460.00 to process one Certificate of Citizenship!  You can't claim an adopted child on your taxes until he/she has lived in your home for 6months but if you give birth Dec.31--there's your dependent claim.  AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH 

I can't deal with this anymore. We have jumped through hoop after hoop for these children.

At the office, I stood, spoke sweetly, face beet red with tears coming and told the women

     "I know you guys have nothing to do with this, but over and over and over, it is made clear to me that adopted children are considered second class."

I left.

No more guys!  It is not right and it is not fair.  Our adopted children do not deserve this.  We pay thousands of dollars of taxes every year and we don't deserve this.  An illegal immigrant can show up at a hospital and give birth--that baby is instantly an American Citizen and granted as SSN.  What gives people?  I don't have 940.00 to file for Certificates of Citizenship for Dillon and Hudson.  I shouldn't have to do so.  They ARE citizens NOT aliens.  I beg you other adoptive parents, start calling or writing your senators and the State Dept.  There has to be a better way.  If anyone knows who or where to write--let me know.

Orphan Sunday!!!

Somewhere between 147-163 million orphaned children around the world including

500,000 children in the US living in foster care

 with 120,000 of those children legally available for adoption
Just reading the numbers makes you numb.  Can you really even comprehend those statistics?

Mike and I have traveled to several countries.  Just between the 2 of us we've seen first hand rows of orphaned babies in a nursery in Korea

 63 children with 2 adult caregivers living in a concrete orphanage in Haiti,

orphans in Puerto Rico

orphans in Costa Rica

orphans in Nassau

orphans in Nicarauga

orphans in Jamaica

 watched and prayed as our beautiful neice went from being a foster child to a forever child of my sister and her husband......we

know the reality of orphans! 


You know, there is a very interesting few verses in the Old Testament.  God had set up a way for the Isrealites to take care of the needy.
Deuteronomy 24:19-22
When you are harvesting in your field and you overlook a sheaf, do not go back to get it. Leave it for the foreigner, the fatherless and the widow, so that the LORD your God may bless you in all the work of your hands. 20 When you beat the olives from your trees, do not go over the branches a second time. Leave what remains for the foreigner, the fatherless and the widow. 21 When you harvest the grapes in your vineyard, do not go over the vines again. Leave what remains for the foreigner, the fatherless and the widow. 22 Remember that you were slaves in Egypt. That is why I command you to do this.


I wonder, what if we all followed this principal today?  What if every person who claims they are a follower of Jesus Christ didn't go back over their harvest and glean?  What if they always saved the surplus from their jobs for the poor, the orphan and the widow?  BUT, here is the reality.....we don't have a dime to spare do we?  We spend every bit we make on US.  Not only do we spend every bit we make, but we overspend and charge beyond what we make(believe me, I'm preaching to myself here, we don't have any left either!!!).  We can't care for the poor, the fatherless, and the widow because our cars, houses, over fed bellies, and giant inflatable Santas riding Harleys in the front yard at Christmas
 cost so much.  Have mercy on us Father God.  We are consumed with ourselves.  Forgive us!

I'd truly love to hear from some of you about what your church and/or orphans ministry did for Orphan Sunday.  Leave a comment or email me.

Conference Reflections

     Here is my update from togetherforadoption.com conference. Disclaimer....I unapologetically am going to state what is going on around the world and why people should care.
     First off, the numbers are truly staggering and horrifying! The newest statistic estimates that there are 163million orphaned and at risk children in the world(including 500,000 foster children in the US). Obviously, we are not making good ground in our efforts.  Every Bible believing church body should be involved, somehow, in the global orphan crisis. It is absolute fallacy for people to say things like "well, that is for infertile people and missionaries to worry about."  The Bible mentions caring for the poor and oppressed 2100 times. Caring for orphans and the fatherless is mentioned 60 times. James 1:27 says Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.
118,000 kids in the US foster care system are legally ready to be adopted--waiting--for a family.  What if your church made the decision to empty out your city of children in the foster system--desperate for a family? 
1/5 of foster kids who age out of the system, who never got adopted, will end up homeless before turning 19yrs old
Within two years of leaving a Russion orphanage-~15% of all orphans have committed suicide while another ~60% are involved in criminal activity (gangs, drugs, prostitution).

Most conservative, Evangelical Christians are more than willing to picket abortion clinics and campaign to vote prolife, BUT, how many are willing to take care of the children born in difficult circumstances who can't be parented by birthparents?

     One of the keynote speakers was David Gibbons, pastor of Newsong. He talked about a story that Francis Chan tells. Chan gives a great story to illustrate how we ignore the Bible's mandate to care for orphans. For example, he tells his daughter "I want you to clean your room." She is gone for a few hours and comes back saying "Daddy, I know what it means to clean my room and I memorized what you said about cleaning my room". Yet, she did not clean the room. A few hours later, she comes in and says "Daddy, I know what it means in the Greek to clean my room." Yet, her room is not clean. A few hours later his daughter comes back and states "Daddy, my friends and I have prayed and talked about cleaning my room." Yet, she never actually cleans her room. This is a poignant illustration of how churches read the Word, memorize verses, preach sermons and have Bible studies, prayer at prayer meetings and yet never actually do anything about it!  I'm certainly not saying that if your church doesn't have an offical orphan ministry that it isn't obeying God's word. But, every church should be supporting and caring for orphans somehow.
Here is a short video that documents what happens to the children nobody cares for.  Pause my music player far down to the right to hear the kids.




As for me, what did I learn?  I went to the "launching an orphan ministry in your church" track.  It was led by the truly amazing staff from Hope For Orphans. Click Here for their website.  All day I was mesmorized by these brilliant men who are passionate for the orphan and adoption.  I had the overwhelming sense that "This is what I was made for."  My nurse job provides insurance for our family and helps pay bills, but someday, Lord willing, I believe I'll work for them.  I've been praying about going back to school to begin working towards becoming a nurse practitioner.  After the conference, I have little desire for that.  I really feel that full-time orphan and adoption education and ministry is my calling.  I'd like to travel around the country educating and inspiring churches to get involved.

So, how do we help these children?  Glad you asked!  Buy an awesome shirt, like mine, from 147millionorphans.com.  Each purchase feeds an orphaned child in Africa--and they look super cool

Open your heart and begin praying about adopting or fostering.  Give money and emotional support to another family who is adopting by donating to grants like Show Hope(click HERE).  Have an Orphan Sunday even on November 7.  ClickHERE for resources.  Launch an orphan care ministry at your church.
Sponsor children through various organizations like World Vision and Compassion Int.  Gather shoes and toiletries and take them to an orphanage in a 3rd world country.

So, as you can see, it was just an amazing time.  We cried, worshipped, prayed, made friends, got educated, networked, shopped for cool shirts, and yes, if there had been a booth to sign up to bring more kids home--I'd have signed up for a bunch! :)

Relaxed guidelines for Korea

I'm so happy to see that the family requirements for adopting from Korea through Dillon have relaxed a little.  For a while, the requirements were very very strict and I could rarely recommend people to that program.  So, if anyone is feeling called to adopt a darling little Korean sweetie who needs a loving family, go to http://www.dillonadopt.com/.  Now, the requirements are still rather stringent and the wait is long, but some of you out there just might be a perfect fit.