How many of you have been in this boat?
You get a referral, or see a waiting child, and you know in your heart--for sure--that was your child. But, circumstances came up and it did not happen the way you'd planned. Adoption loss is huge and real!! Nobody but fellow adoptive parents can understand how much you can bond and grieve over an adoption plan of child--even without ever seeing that child in person.
Since my dear soul sister,Sunny, (whom I've never actually met but it seems we are twins separated at birth) mentioned that she'd experienced this too, I figured a post was in order. I was telling another dear friend of mine about this experience. She's grieving an adoption plan loss right now.
I've experienced a few adoption losses, certainly not the gut-wrenching kind of having a referal several months and then it not happening--but still painful.
The first was a little hiccup in our journey to Abby. I've told this story before. If you'd like to read about the baby we almost pursued in Cambodia, clickHERE
The first was a little hiccup in our journey to Abby. I've told this story before. If you'd like to read about the baby we almost pursued in Cambodia, clickHERE
It hurt to let her go. Then, Cambodia closed to adoptions and 10 years later is still closed. It breaks my heart to think of her growing up alone, in an orphanage. Experts say that about 60% of orphaned girls who grow up and age out of orphanages turn to prostitution to earn a living. God-protect her!!!
The next adoption loss was more of a solo experience. I'm going to be very transparent here and share my heart.
Many years ago, when Dillon was about 2 or 3, I fell head over heels in love with a waiting baby boy on Dillon International's Korea page. OH, guys, you'd just die if you could see him. At the time he was waiting for a family, he was very young--only 4 months old. He had the fattest cheeks and I was completely smitten with the cherub. Mike, on the other hand, was sure our family was not ready for another child. I printed off the little guy's picture and carried it in my purse. I'd take that picture out and dream and pray and literally--kiss that photo. He was beautiful! He was special needs because of a genetic disorder that demanded a special diet. Otherwise, he was healthy. I knew it wouldn't be easy, or cheap, to raise this litte guy. But, when you are in love, love is all you see. I even named him. For several weeks I'd pray for God to work a miracle for us to adopt that little one. One day at work, my patient's grandaughter visited. When they told me she had the same genetic disorder as "my" baby, my heart began racing. I talked to her all about how to get the certain foods that the child would need. She was full of good info and they lived 10minutes from us and could be a good support. I'd never met anyone else with this condition--and since then never have. I was sure it was a sign that God was speaking to me and confirming. Still, Mike wasn't feeling led in that direction. I'd cry buckets into my pillow. I loved that baby and the baby desperately needed a good home. I was shocked when a fellow Korean adoptive mother that I know(had already adopted 2 with special needs) announced they were adopting MY baby!!! On one hand, I was thrilled that he would get a great home. On the other hand, I was devastated. For weeks I'd planned my life with that child. In some ways like a miscarriage almost(which I've also experienced).
You know what? It wasn't God's plan or timing. I'd jumped ahead and let my mommy emotions carry me away. My husband was the stable one, patiently waiting on God's call for us to adopt again. Of course, he was right!! During those next few years we had to expend a lot of resources, time, and energy on trying to get our little Dillon Micheal healthy and the help he needed to develop well. Then, on February 22,2009 we got the email from Dillon International about our sweet blessing-- Hudson. It was a match made in Heaven.
If you are going through something similar, I want to say 1) I understand how much it hurts when things don't work out the way you'd planned 2) if you are a Christ-follower, I promise, His plan is best. Wait for His best--not your attempt at making something be the plan for your life
I was hoping you would do this first! I've never been too attached to a child on the waiting child page, BUT I go through the emotions of I'm ready to adopt again and my husbands not and I see all these families going through process again thinking it should be me. I should be getting my referral too! And we're not even in process! Like you said, no one understands these losses except other adoptive moms! Thanks for sharing!
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