talking to friends about adoption

We had a super sweet dinner tonight with 2 families from  our church.  Both families are at different ages and stages of life, but both are very interested in building their families through adoption(they have biological children already).  Neither know which direction to head just yet and are praying for the Lord to speak to them clearly.  Mike and I have had a lot of these kinds of meals over the past 10 or so years.  This one was really nice. Our friends are kind, warm, and excited(and nervous) to grow their families through an adoption miracle.
I think Mike and I have grown, chilled, and matured a lot.  Truthfully, after Abby came home we(especially me) were adoption dynamos.  I was appalled at the apathy that the majority of Christians had towards adoption and orphans.  If a couple asked a few questions about our adoption process, I'd pounce on them. I think it almost was a way of validating--you know, if they began the adoption process then it made me feel like we'd accomplished the task.  Trouble was, we were disappointed over and over.  Many times Mike and I have had the conversation that begins with "I can't believe they haven't adopted."  Now, we are different.  I love talking to people about adoption and about our journey to build our family.  We openly share the joys, confusing times, the hurdles, the celebrations, the time delays, the mounds of paperwork, the zillions of rude and personal questions people ask us, the financial difficulties, and the wonderfully fun and brilliant experiences we've had being a transcultural family.  However, the personal agenda of convincing people into fostering and/or adopting is gone.  We have to come the place of letting the Holy Spirit speak into people's lives on His own.  Absolutely we cheer and educate followers of Jesus to be involved in fostering, adopting, and orphancare.  But, what they do with the info is their business.  Their lives are their lives and they may not be a family that is called to adopt(heck, there are some who flat out have no business adopting).
 As for Mike and I,our lives are blessed and amazing. The children we have, biological and adopted, add pieces to the puzzle that can never be replaced. We can only trust and obey the one in whom we live and have our being, Jesus Christ.

Fostering, adorable kids, and advanced notice

As most of you know, my sister and her husband are foster/adoptive parents.  I asked her to write about some common misconceptions people have about fostering.

From Foster to Forever

When first considering adoption as a route to expand our family, my husband and I quickly became overwhelmed and confused. Almost enough for us not to pursue it. Foster care kept coming up in conversations and situations and we figured out that God was not-so-subtly telling us to be foster parents. At our first informational meeting, we realized that there were many misconceptions about taking the foster-to-adopt avenue. Allow me to play the role of a myth-buster:
truth
It’s cheap, if not free. As a foster parent, the state pays you a monthly reimbursement for every day you take care of a child in CPS care. The rate is based on the level of care the child requires and varies with agencies. Once your foster child becomes available to adopt, the legal fees can be between $500-$1000 to finalize adoption. Now with my daughter, the state reimbursed us for those fees because she qualified for state subsidy. So not only were we paid to take care of her while fostering, but the adoption was FREE
truth
You can get a newborn! Foster-to-adopt is the only way to adopt a newborn other than private adoption. Foster parents can specify what age, race, and sex of children they would like placed with them. You can even narrow it down to “legal risk placements” only, which means the goal for the child is adoption. I have many friends that have gone to a hospital to pick up a newborn foster child, that became their forever child.
truth
Adoptions through CPS do not have to be open adoptions. Sometimes birth parents request an open adoption for them to stay in contact with the child, but you do not have to consent to it. The law does not require you to keep in touch with them.

By now you are thinking, “What if I get attached to a baby and then they are taken away.” How many times a day do I hear, “I could never be a foster parent because I would get too attached.” Well….let me explain. It’s not easy. Being a foster parent doesn’t mean that you have to be a hard-hearted person that doesn’t care. There is only one thing that you need to be, and that is willing. You say “Yes”, and God takes care of the rest. After pouring your heart and soul into a child for months, you’re going to cry when they leave. But it’s not about you, it’s about doing what God calls you to do. God equips you and prepares your heart. He also mends it when it gets broken. I knew almost immediately after my daughter was placed with us at four months old that she was our forever baby. So far, the love that I have for my foster sons have been totally different than the love I had (and have) for my daughter. Are there days I want to quit? Absolutely. Is the pain or hardship worth the cause? Well, I have a beautiful daughter to prove that yes, it’s worth it!

So, there's a honest look at fostering.

Now, just for the sake of smiles.  Here is my neice Kylie Faith.  I think she is the next face of Gerber!

And, now, an advanced warning.  Warning:  if you like your American Christian ideas about how your life, church, faith etc are supposed to be, and you are not interested in being stretched or challenged for and by God, you'll want to ignore some upcoming posts.  So, I'm reading David Platt's new book called "Radical, taking back your faith from the American dream".  Oh Man, is it counter-culture and gonna blow some socks off!  I cannot wait to post some quotes from it. 

tips for successful toddler adoption

We are speaking at the adoption preparation seminar hosted by Dillon International and Buckner International on Saturday.  Our social worker with Dillon International always says that it is their plan to prepare you for the worst and be happy when that doesn't happen!
 We are a "been there done that" family coming to share and let the families Q and A with us.  I've been considering some tips to share with the families and thought some of you out there could benefit from them.  Don't think we are completely adjusted, bonded, and smooth sailing.  Hudson is amazing and attached very well.  But, it is still hard sometimes.  He has zero coping skills for frustration and cries a lot.  I get tired so much quicker now and am grumpy.  Heck, it has only been 7months.  These things take time.

Read "The Connected Child"

prepare your family and friends for a tough transition, for them to give the kid space and not compare this child's joining the family to the way other kids may have joined

travel to receive your child

sleep with the child for several months and remember to sleep when toddler sleeps

accept help

treat him as a young infant, carry him in a sling(I love my Hip Hammock), bottle feed(You hold the bottle), rock and sing to him

remember, he doesn't have a clue if you are to be trusted
he doesn't know what it is like to be in your family

discipline--stinks cause you aren't bringing home a sweet baby who sits in a bouncy seat.  You are bringing home a mobile and curious child who WILL touch everything unsafe to touch.  I felt like all we said was "no" those first few months.

Give yourself a break for losing your cool and being angry at times.
schedule?  what is that?

don't compare anything or any milestone that the newly adopted toddler is doing with a birth child--totally different ballgame

Punch anyone in the mouth if they are stupid enough to say "you are lucky, you didn't have to give birth to him,  you are still skinny"

Remember, PLAY and have fun.  Toddlers are adorable!!!!!

Its in the water...

To all you adoptive families, either with children home or still waiting, don't you wish people would jokingly advise others to not drink the water or they may suddenly end up adopting??  Wouldn't it be awesome if instead of being the only person at work going through the adoption process, several coworkers were all adopting at the same time?  What if you could compare paperchases, timelines, weight gained from major stressed out eating, fingerprinting woes, homestudy tales, and all the like with your friends in Sunday School?  How much fun would it be if you walked into Babies R Us to register for a shower for your soon to arrive child and the computer didn't ask for your due date, but your "expected travel date"?  What if people could see the look on your face and say "My you are just glowing little momma, how  is  your dossier collection going" and then they'd lovingly pat the huge 3 ring binder you keep all your adoption paperwork in?  Ahhhh, I can dream of the world being something like that, can't I? 

 

Here is a picture of the shirt I'm going to order.  It is a really cute long-sleeve, brown shirt.  Would it be considered tacky if I wore it to Hudson's finalization in a few weeks????  What do you guys think?

What's the next step?

Hudson has been home 5 months now.  If  you aren't familiar to adoption, you may think that is it right?  We did all the paperwork, FBI and local fingerprints, applied with Immigration and Citizenship, passed our homestudy and voila---he is our son.  If only it were that simple(HA, like that was simple!).  We currently are in our post placement phase.  This means that we have a visit with our social worker every month.  Thankfully she is an old friend and we like seeing her monthly!  After he has been in our home 6 months we can finalize, which involves yet another set of fingerprints that costs 50.00.  We already have our lawyer finishing up the paperwork and we have a court date for March 19th(by the way, the most experienced adoption lawyer in Texas is in our city if anyone needs a name of a great one).  After the finalization, Hudson's  name will be officially changed.  Then we will get a new birth certificate with our names on it.  About 9 years ago, a new law went into effect saying that children adopted by US citizens would be considered citizens when they landed on US soil.  The big problem is that all the govt agencies haven't figured out how to honor this.  SO, our kids have no proof they are US citizens until we get a Certificate of Citizenship for them.  This is applied for through the Immigration and Citizenship office and cost 460.00!!   If  you want to make me feel nauseated, remind me that Dillon and Hudson both need these papers.  UGH.  I think it is a crime that the govt that Mike and I pay taxes to every year, charges this much for a piece of paper to prove my kids are US citizens!  Here is the really fun part.  The Social Security Adminstration denied our app for Hudson a SSN since our adoption isn't finalized.  So, at the advice of our CPA, I applied for a Tax Id Number for him so we can claim his as a dependant on our taxes.  Guess what????  Yep, they denied it too stating he didn't meet the residency requirements.    Now what??  We can't file our taxes til the adoption is finalized.  It will take a month to get the new birth cert which will allow us to apply for a SSN.  Then, we must wait a few weeks for that too come.  It looks like we are going to have to get an extension.  The kicker, a huge payment is due on our adoption loan in April(we only pay interest monthly) and we must have our refund to  pay it.  I guess I'll go the bank and explain our dilemna!  I swear, people can give birth to 6 babies and Medicaid pays for it, but we adoptive families jump through hoop after hoop!!!!!! 

cheering for 2 countries

We love the Olympics!!  I grew up aspiring to be Nadia Comenci(sp??) and vividly remember watching Mary Lou Retton stick her perfect 10 vaults.  I was a gymnast wanna-be who took gymnastics for many years.  I stunk, but I thought "If only my parents would send me to train in Houston with Bela Karoli--I'd be an Olympian!"  Anyway, now I just love the competition.  At our house, we are torn between cheering for USA and S. Korea.  As I've mentioned before, Mike and I consider our family a Korean-American family.  So, when  the opening ceremonies are on, we hoot and holler when S. Korea walks in and when USA comes in.  We are watching speed skating right now and Abby just yelled out "Momma, Korea is in front!"  That is what we want.  A deep pride in being Korean AND American!
PS.  My good friends are adopting from Nepal and when the tiny Nepali delegation walked in, I was cheering for them too :)

The interesting times of being a conspicous family

I thought I might take a few posts in the next weeks to address adoptive family issues.  Since we are a conspicous family, we get lots of inquiries.  One of the purposes of this blog is to educate on adoption and such so I'll be addressing common questions and misconceptions. 

People like to ask us questions about our family being transracial.  Some questions are generally curious, some are sweet

just uneducated, and some are downright rude and intrusive.  I like the ones that children ask.  Children don't dance around the issue, they just ask what is on their mind.  

One really stupid question that adults use to ask us after Abby came home was "So, do you plan on telling her she's adopted??" 

HUH?  I mean seriously, she will be looking at herself in the mirror and notice that hey, something's different here!  Abby noticed very early, like age 2.  She use to rub my fair skinned freckled arm and then rub her mocha colored arm. 

This was the first time Abby drew herself with an eye for skin differences, at age 5.  Before then, she'd always drawn herself with white or peach colored skin.  I scanned the picture and saved it in her memory box.  I think it is so precious!!!

It isn't always hearts and flowers

Being a parent is tough!  Really tough.  My neighbor said something today that made me want to post about this.  Mike and I don't have it all figured out.  We struggle.  We get irritable.  I was super impatient with Hudson yesterday.  He is cycling through some attachment stuff this week and it gets really really old.  He cries constantly and follows me around saying "Up."  When he awoke from his nap yesterday, he had a panic attack and hyperventilated.  I was right there!  It isn't like the child sits in daycare 12 hours a day, he goes to a sitter once or twice a week.  The rest of the time, I'm constantly with him.  He has vomited in at least 5 public places because he gets very easily overstimulated and upset.  I don't talk about these kinds of things because most people have the attitude of "Well, you asked to adopt an almost 2 yr old!"  Being an adoptive parent is like being on display all the time.  I feel like I'm continually proving to people that I'm an okay parent.  Then, when things aren't going well, the feelings of inadequacy instensify.  Our nearly 14yr old son is struggling with some stuff.  He isn't perfect! GASP!  We fail as parents sometime.  Anybody watch that new TV show "The Middle"??  It is hilarious!  I swear, we relate so well to them.  Dillon turns 7 the 14th.  Do you understand how incredibly frustrating, heart-breaking, disappointing it is to have prayed for 5 years that God would heal him of his speech/language disorder?  He tried to tell a story about something at school the other day and we had no idea what he was saying.  How terrifying is it that we don't understand what he tells us?  What if something awful happens to him and he can't explain it?  Then, there is the momma guilt of our quite, low-maintenance daughter getting overlooked.  She rarely needs help with homework, she isn't needy and lets face it, the squeeky wheel gets the grease!  Does she feel unloved?  She mentioned the other day that she is tired of kids in her class asking her if she can see when she smiles because her eyes disappear into little crescent moon slits.  Is she struggling with some adoption/racial angst?  AHHH, it all makes me want to run away for a day and sit on the beach in Mexico with a cool pink drink!  So there, you can see that we have struggles like everyone else.  God keep me humble!  This is one reason living outward focused and serving others is sooooooo important--it gets your mind off yourself!!  And, there is ALWAYS someone struggling more.

Today is Orphan Sunday!!!

Facts taken from the website cryoftheorphan.org

Over 140 million orphans and waiting children under the age of 18 have lost one or both parents.i

Over 13 million double orphans under the age of 18 have lost both parents.ii

Sub-Saharan Africa, with 48.3 million orphans, has the highest proportion of children who are orphans at 12%

Asia has the largest total number of orphans with 73.7 million orphans, which represents 6% of all children

Latin America and the Caribbean has 10.7 million orphans, also representing 6% of all children.iii

Over 15 million children have lost a parent due to AIDS, and that number is expected to rise to over 20 million by 2010.iv

Without AIDS, the total number of double orphans in sub-Saharan Africa would have declined between 1990 and 2010. AIDS, however, will push the number of double orphans in the region from 9 million to more than 10 million by 2010.v

Orphaned children are much more likely than non-orphans to be working in commercial agriculture, as street vendors, in domestic service and in the sex trade.vi

Orphans are more vulnerable and at risk of becoming victims of violence, exploitation, trafficking, discrimination, or other abuses.vii

Domestic Orphans

More than 500,000 children are in United States foster care.viii

Over 120,000 children in foster care are waiting to be adopted.ix

Only around 50,000 children, or 18% of those waiting in foster care, are adopted every year.x

On average, children in foster care wait over 2 years to be adopted.xi

Adoption

Over one-third of Americans have ever considered adopting, but no more than 2 percent of Americans have actually adopted.xii

Attachment Cycle

Well things continue to get better everyday. I wanted to take some time to talk about the attachment cycle.  I get lots of questions about how Hudson's adjusting.  He appears to be adjusting very well.  However, it is super important that Mike and I don't assume all is well and he is bonded.  You see, Hudson has suffered extreme loss in his 22 months.  At birth, he lost his birthfamily.  He spent his first 2 months in a hospital.  As attentive as the staff was, there was no mom and dad visiting to hold him every chance they could get.  No grandparents prayed for him to grow healthy.  He was born 2 months premature.  No family stood at his isolette stroking his tiny skin and whispering cheers for him to beat any preemie problems.  He didn't get to experience skin on skin contact--the treatment of choice for preemies.  Then, at 2months of age, he went to live with a wonderful foster family.  No doubt they made it their mission to beef him up and keep him healthy.  He thought they were his family for the next 19months.  One day, we swoop in acting all excited to meet him and take him away from the only home, language, culture, country that he had ever known.  It has been 3 weeks now.  He seems to know I'm his new mommy.  But, there are signs that we have a long way to go in forming a healthy attachment.  Hudson runs up to women he doesn't know like they are his best friend. You see that is not appropriate attachment behavior.  He wakes up during sleep and panics--running into the living room wild eyed.  This tells me he is unsure of his security, that in his little mind, he could be uprooted--yet again to a new home!  Psychologists and adoption experts say it is super important to walk the child back through infant stages of attachment.  Therefore, at night I bottle feed my 22months old by like a 4month old.  I hold him in a cradling fashion, insist on holding the bottle--even though he pushes my hand off, and try to force eye contact.  I sing, tell him how he joined our family and such.  I also have been "wearing" him in my Hip Hammock(a sturdy sling I highly recommend for anyone adopting a heavy/older infant or toddler) when we are in a crowd or loud place.  Yes, I realize I look like a ridiculous crunchy granola earth momma!  Before you go saying "He is lucky to have a wonderful family" spill, let me be honest--sometimes I don't want to do this.  By 8pm I'm flat exhausted and I'd like to spend some time with the other kids or Mike, heck, I'd LOVE to sit in the quiet and watch HGTV with nobody around!.  Sometimes his crying when he wakes up(why can't he wake up cooing happily?) feels like nails on a chalkboard.  Establishing a pattern of trust and attachment is not easy!!  But, we must do this, hard work now will reap sweet rewards later.  Mary Hopkins Best wrote in Toddler Adoption
    Always assume that a request for parental contact and comforting represents a need for a toddle struggling to develop attachment and meet that need on demand, day or night. 

How adoption changed our family??

Here is one cute and short way international adoption has changed our family(of course there are many!). Carter is so multicultural. Last week our church had us come up front to introduce the new little family member. On the way home Mike asked Carter if he sometimes feels left out because he wasn't adopted. Carter replied "No, sometimes I forget that I'm not Korean!"
Yesterday Mike and Carter went to Dallas for a game. They stopped at one of our favorite places, Ko-Mart(like a big Korean Walmart). They ate some yummy Korean food and sampled things like fried octupus. Mike was telling me about a couple standing at the counter that apparently was having an adventure in Ko-Mart and ordering Korean food for the first time. He said they looked maybe Middle-Eastern. Carter pipes up and says "I think they were Nepalese" No joke, he really said that! It was sooooo funny. Do you know many 13 yr old boys who: 1. know that Nepal is a country 2. know what the general features of Nepalese people are 3. Know that the correct term for people from Nepal is Nepalese?
Yep, I'd say our family is much more aware of the world!!

Free adoption education time...

Honestly, my nerves are starting to frazzle. A few days ago, our caseworker at Dillon International told me that I'd been really patient and she was impressed. Yeah, actually, I have done great. I haven't cried or thrown anything--Yet! :) Really, this time around has been not too bad as far as the waiting. I'm super busy with work and 3 kids already. I'm really trying to not obsess over our wait. So, I thought I'd spend a post offering some education to our friends and family so you all will be more prepared for our big blessing. Here are things to never say or ask:
1. "You get to have a child the easy way, you don't have to be pregnant and give birth."
Seriously, that is the dumbest statement ever. I mean, would you wish that you'd miss out on the first 20months of your child's life? I'll never ever know what he looked like when he first smiled, what his first word was, how he looked when he slept next to his foster momma as a 3month old. Also, when you are pregnant, that child is with you constantly. You know it exists and you know how it is developing. You feel kicks and see evidence of growing. You have control over what you feed it and such. My angel boy is thousands of miles away. We last got an update late March. What does he eat? What toy does he like the most? How big is he? We are still waiting on immigration approval and could likely not travel for many more weeks!
2. "I'm sure he will adjust quickly, kids respond to love"
I know, in many senses this is true. However, please don't discount the enormous trauma children go through when taken to a new family, new culture, new language, and leave all they've ever known. Yes, moving to a new family is certainly better than the alternative--living your life as an orphan in an institution. But, studies clearly show that children with life altering separations grieve for many many months. Most social workers say that when a child is adopted, he will need the same amount of time with the new family to for strong attachements as he was in his prior home. So, Hudson is 19months old. He has been in a foster family since he was 2.5months old(was in hospital first 2.5months of life). This means that we won't expect him to be strongly attached to us as his mom and dad until he has lived with us 19months. Of course, he may be different and bond very quickly. I hope so!! But, we are being realistic. We've read books and taken classes on helping children move through the grief process. For the above reasons, we will put into place some limitations. We will not let anyone but Mike and I care for Hudson for many months. This means we do all the soothing, diapering, feeding and snuggling. Sure, grandparents and aunts/uncles and such can hold him and play with him. But, when it comes to the roles of parent, Mike and I will jealously gaurd that position. We must make sure Hudson comes to realize we are his forever parents and that new parents won't show up next year to take him away.
3. "When my child was ___ age, he was doing ____"
You don't compare apples to oranges right? So, you can't compare development of a child newly arrived in a home with a child who has securely been attached and cared for by his/her biological parents his whole life. If you see us bottle feed Hudson at age 22months, don't worry about it. If he doesn't put puzzles together, know his ABCs, and act like your child did at his age, don't worry about it. Children going through major trauma and grief usually regress. This is perfectly normal and we will not do anything to make him act older. As far as language goes, for his whole life, he has heard Korean spoken. He already talks in Korean. He will have to have a lot of time to listen to English before he can be expected to start speaking English. Be aware that noisy, crowded and exciting environments may totally over-stimulate him. A trip to Wal-Mart may make him melt down.

Well, that about wraps up the biggies. AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH, if the immigration approval doesn't come in the mail today, I'm gonna blow!!! Hmmm, what to do to cope? I'm thinking Blue Bell ice cream, shopping, listening to Kari Jobe cd, hanging out at Susie's house, or jogging(nah, too hot), will all help!

Thankful Thursday and an FAQ

1. extra 6 hours at work today and was home to pick up the kids
2. Mike's last class for the spring semester is tomorrow and Saturday, then he'll have a short break(working on a doctorate and we are all super proud of him!)
3. waffles, bacon, and eggs for dinner(oh- Mel, Kate, Em--YES, we had grapes with it!!!!!)
4. my George Foreman grill that our friends J. and A. gave us--love it!
5. our 1998 Honda Accord with 172,000 miles on it works great, except for the A/C
6. we moved Abby and Dillon's bedrooms around tonight--we are getting things ready for Hudson.
7. toothbrushes and toothpaste(I have a clean teeth fettish)

FAQ 3
I began answering some questions that people ask me all the time. If you want to see the first 2, scroll down--they are titled FAQ 1, FAQ 2
How do you know there won't be something wrong with him? Hmmm, this is a tough one. With our first adoption, we were naive. I really don't think we ever considered, or we didn't talk about it if we did consider it, that the children might end up with medical or developmental problems. When you are pregnant with a birthchild, you have no garauntee, no insight into the future about what may or may not happen. Why do people only ask that of adoptive parents? I find it to be personal and offensive. Pardon me for sounding harsh. I never ever respond ugly to questions about our children. But, since internet is faceless, I feel more free. When a person is engaged, all they see is love and hope. Does anyone ask that person "how do you know he/she might not get an illness or difficulty learning how to do a job?" No, you'd never say that. Since we do have a child with special needs, this is a bit more stabbing to my heart. Our new son was a waiting child for a few little reasons. My son Dillon, is special needs, and he belongs in our family. His special needs sometimes make our lives more complicated. We've moved for him to get better access to educational services. We are so fortunate to live close to a great children's hospital and lots of specialist, but those services are very expensive. Every childhood task you take for granted with your typically developing children is and has been a challenge for us and our sweet son. Small illnesses are much scarier with him. I'm not gonna lie and say it is always easy. BUT, it is always worth it!!! Do you think that when your Heavenly Father looks at you and sees the areas you need improvement and "modification" in,that he sighs and thinks "man, if only I'd known what that person was going to be like when he/she got older!" Of course not. I'm being silly here, as you know. But, I'm driving my point home. A child with special needs is a wonderful, miraculous blessings that is worth it and deserves a loving home. Mike and I have grown more as whole people in the last 5 years than over our whole lives. Dillon is super fun! We learned to enjoy every little milestone and celebrate the good times, and not sweat the tough times so much. We've had our eyes opened to all the precious children out there waiting for a family, but aren't considered desirable because of a diagnosis or background issue. I'm going to take it a step furthur here. Warning---stop reading if you don't want your toes stepped on, shame on the millions of wealthy American Christians who turn a blind eye to the needs of children. Shame on the not wealthy American Christians who use lack of money as an excuse. If people weren't so in debt from buying what they don't need and can't afford, they could help. God doesn't call everyone to adopt, but he does demand that we care. If you aren't called to adopt, you can support those who are. Donate to Shaohannah's Hope or Life Song for Orphans, foster children in your area, become a respite caregiver for other foster parents, give encouragement to those are doing just that, give to Dillon International's Building FAmilies Fund(that is who has blessed us hugely and made the fees to adopt Hudson more managable), pray for special needs children to find families, volunteer with Special Olympics, don't stare with judgement at an Autistic child who is overstimulated in WalMart. Okay, enough, sorry to rant on and on. Good thing you don't live with me huh? My poor husband is so patient and loving and has to hear me on my soapbox all the time. I promise the next FAQ will be more light-hearted.

FAQs 2

I'm addressing some very very common questions that we get asked in order to help people understand us, adoption terminology and such. This will be the second FAQ post. Before the adoptive families out there think I forgot all our education, I wanted to clarify that I'm writing the questions exactly like they are phrased to me.
3. Do you know anything about his real parents? Actually, we do know intimate detail because we are their real parents ;) You see, being real is exactly what we do everyday as a family. We play, read, go to school, do homework, take care of sick kids, pay lots of bills, pray for the children to grow up into mighty warriors for Jesus, and so forth. I know, what you really meant was do we know anything about their birthparents? We've decided that kind of info is personal and for the children to take ownership of when they are ready.
4. Why is it so expensive to adopt? This is a good one. There is so much more to adoption that just taking in a child who needs a home. You must complete very detailed background investigations, including federal and local fingerprinting, a homestudy(which is a family study really), the agencies have very detailed laws to abide by and complete large volumes of paperwork for each family. I've been to Korea twice and can certainly understand the need for funds. The children must be taken care of, and many are never adopted but need care for the rest of their lives. Dillon International's sister agency is Korea does the most amazing job of caring for so many children.
There are free and very inexpensive adoption choices too. Child Protective Services is in great need of loving, committed homes for foster chidren and many older children who are available for adoption now. There is an estimated 200,000 children in the US foster system. The state will pay all adoption expenses for most of these cases.
4. How did you afford to adopt? I'm not going to sugar coat and say it was easy. Basically, we made a decision many years ago that having family was more important than having stuff, a lare retirement account, and money. We try to be good stewards of our resources, we tithe faithfully, we drive old cars, we don't own a lot of expensive possesions. I'm not saying we have it all together, we certainly have our share of struggles with overspending and things like medical bills that we didn't predict. God has blessed us and helped provide exactly what we need. We chose to liquidate some resources, we took out personal loans and paid them back quickly. The federal tax credit for adoption expenses is 11,400. So, with our tax refunds,and scraping by with the monthly payments, we've managed to pay our loans fairly quickly. Sometimes I think how we could have a nicer home, a nicer car, far less bills to pay, and life would be much easier, but I don't want easy! I want a life that really counts.
In Matthew 6:21 Jesus says(in red, so it must be important!) "For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."
Robert Morris in his book on finances "The Blessed Life" states
"How you handle money reveals volumes about your priorities, loyalties, and affections. In fact, it directly dictates many of the blessings you will(or won't) experience in life."

Well, drat, I don't want to be a hypocrite. After my money discourse, I'd feel awfully guilty about going to Old Navy for some cute spring clothes. Think I'll just stay home and mop my dirty floor!!

FAQ's 1

Morning all! Since I get asked pretty much the same questions many times over, I thought it would be beneficial to start addressing some of those questions here. Today I'll hit on one or two so check back for updates to the FAQ's.
1. So, can you not have children of your own? Well, 13 yrs ago, God gave us a child by birth. He is our "own". Then, when he was nearing age 4, we discovered we couldn't have more children by birth without major fertility treatments. We were led to adoption and adopted 2 children from Korea(a few years apart) and they are our "own." Now, we are in the paperwork pregnancy for a toddler in Korea who has been waiting for a family of his "own." We will soon be united and will all belong to each other and he will be our "own" too! :) We think we are the luckiest people ever-we have experienced both! You see, blood line and biology do not a family make; but daily love, tears, work, commitment make us the family God planned.
2. Why don't you adopt an American baby, there are plenty who need homes right here? We figure since there are 143 million orphans in the world and about 200,000 children in the US foster system, there are plenty of needy children to go around! God called us to the children of Korea.

Prayers and Paperwork

Our little man turns 16months old tomorrow!!! I bought the first package of diapers today(size 4 because he is a chunky monkey). I've been taking the mounds of paperwork in stride and haven't felt much anxiety(totally different than with our first adoption). But, the realization that he will be at least 18.5months old when we go get him is sobering. Bless his innocent little heart. For the past 15months he has lived with the only mommy and daddy he knows, his precious foster family. In a few months, two strange white people will show up taking video, taking pictures, crying, and holding him. Then, in a flash his foster family will be gone and he will be whisked away across the ocean to leave his homeland. It is very sad to think about the changes Hudson will experience. However, at least he will have a forever family. Did you know the Bible mentions taking care of the fatherless at least 40 times??? Psalm 68:5-6a says A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling. God sets the lonely in families, he leads the the prisoners with singing... and James 1:27a Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress..
We are so darn blessed to have the privelage of parenting Carter, Abby, Dillon, and soon Hudson. I could never have dreamt of such a great life for myself. Will you join us in praying for Hudson's heart to be at peace, for him to adjust quickly, that the Holy Spirit will whisper to Hudson that we are safe and loving.
So, what's next you ask? Well, we've sent out reference letters, been fingerprinted locally, have to see our doctors and be tested for HIV, syphillis and TB--for the 3rd time! Then, we must write an update to our old autobiography from when we adopted Dillon, make an evacuation plan for our home, get employment verification, be fingerprinted by the FBI, pay the U.S. Immigration office almost 900.00 to get the okay to bring an orphaned child to the US, and things like that.
Also, please join me in praying for my sister's foster angel, baby J. She has been with them 4 months and they(hey, our entire family) are completely smitten. Yes, they want to adopt her, but most of all, they want what is best for baby J. We are praying for God to be glorified in her life and also, for M. and B. to become her forever family!
Thanks a million.
Oh, to my dear friend Frances at work: THANKS for the carseat. You are a treasure!!!!

From my heart(soapbox) about how all this came to be

So, here are a few non-coincidences that have happened over the past few months to lead us to a place where we can say, YEP, God called us to adopt Hudson(Mike had the name idea and I love it!). We have not been interested in starting the typical adoption process of paperwork, sitting on a waiting list for an infant with 20 other families since bringing home Dillon. As many of you know, our sweet little man(he's 6) has some special needs. He was only 4.5months of age when he came home, so to those who ask "did you know about his problems when he came home?" I have to ask if you know about any special needs that might develop later on down the road when a child is only 4.5months of age? Anyway, our eyes have been open to all the precious children in the world who deserve a loving mommy and daddy but get passed by because of medical or developmental "what ifs, maybes, and could be." My heart yearned and ached for the millions(143million to be exact) orphaned children inthe world, but especially those passed over because of a special need. We knew that if we adopted again, it would be using our same agency, a child in Korea, and most likely a toddler boy! So, for the last 5months or so, we'd been consistently saving for whatever God called us to do. The money was earmarked for missions or adoption. We are very frugal and tithe faithfully off our gross income. We are not at all wealthy, at least according to American standards(ask a starving child in Haiti that question and we are filthy rich and spoiled!). We drive old cars, live in a house/neighborhood that we can afford, and do our best to honor God. The Lord has multiplied our money. Have you ever balanced your checkbook and had an extra 400.00 that shouldn't be there? Well, it has happened to us the last 2 or 3 months. This baby boy's Korean name is a combo of Abby and Dillon's except one letter. His birth history is an exact combo of Abby and Dillon's birth histories, except for 1 other item that could possibly be something to deal with later, or might never turn into anything. Our pediatrician thought he looked great. He's developing perfectly on target. When we were really stressed and praying for God to give us an answer about whether or not to move forward with his paperwork, Mike was in a classroom staring all day at a plaque right in front of him that said Be still and know that I am God(psalm 46;10). All our reasons for not adopting this child were selfish ones: money, time, and disruption of our smoothe life. So, we sent in the initial paperwork a week and a half ago. There was another family looking at him, so we had to wait a week for the social work committee at Dillon to decide which family fit best. We prayed so hard all that week of waiting that if this would overwhelm our family, cause financial ruin, or we were not the right family for the little boy, then would God please close the door firmly and let Dillon Int. pick the other family. On Tuesday was the meeting. That morning in my daily Bible reading time, my Psalm passage was chapter 46. I had not picked to read that, it was my Read the Bible in a year pre-planned passage for that day. I read verse 10 and got chills "Be still and know that I am God." The committee decided our family was the right one for Hudson. Am I nervous-YEP! I'm thrilled and scared all at the same time. We aren't clueless people. We realize there are sacrifices and choices to make. Will Mike have a new truck anytime soon-NO. Will our kids get vehicles for their 16 birthday-NO. I'm sure we will survive ;) God's Word proves over and over how he provides for the people willing to obey and step out in faith. Look at the miracle of feeding the 5000 with a few fish and loaves. Where God guides, He provides. As for Hudson's "what ifs" that kept him waiting for a family--what if he does end up with a medical issue? At least he will have a loving mommy and daddy(and siblings) to walk with him through that. Is our son Dillon less deserving a family because he has special needs. NO. If any of you have been around our little crazy man, you agree that he brings joy and laughter to everyone he meets. He is the reason I titled this blog Psalm 139:14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Your works are wonderful, I know this full well.
So, there you have it. Sorry for the soapbox ranting. Just had to get it off my chest ;) We are delighted at this privelage to raise another beautiful Korean child. Carter, Abby, and Dillon are super excited and are showing his picture at school. Carter discovered that carrying around Hudson's picture was a good chick magnet!!!
We move on to the mountain loads of paperwork phase. We also move on to fundraising. We are having a HUGE garage sale next week and April 25th. If anybody has decent stuff to donate, I'll come pick it up and label it all for you. Proceeds will go to help bringing little Hudson home to his forever family.
Thanks,
Libby