We won't be announcing great news this week(long!)

...because there isn't great news to announce.  The past 2 weeks have been really hard.  Remember the post about the waiting 2 yr little boy in Korea?  How we were interested in adopting him if the other families fell through?  Well, they fell through.  We spent the last 2 weeks praying our hearts out about adopting the sweet angel.  Our pediatrician reviewed the file and felt good about him.  God seemed to speak his approval over and over.  Literally, one morning last week I woke up and instantly began thinking "I can't do this, no way can I add another kid right now!"  I went to my closet and opened my Bible to my daily Old Testament passage(remember, I follow a "read the Bible in a year" plan and don't pick the passages).  The first few words were the story of Gideon.  Ever studied that story?  Basically, Gideon was minding his own business, working the land, when an angel of the Lord appeared to him and said "Greetings, mighty warrior."  The angle unfolded how Gideon would be used in a huge way to save Isreal.  Gideon offered excuses about how he wasn't equipped, but God revealed how He would be with Gideon and strengthen him.  God used Gideon in a crazy and miraculous way to deliver Isreal from the oppressors.  I knew God was speaking to me from His Holy Word.  Another example, last Sunday night at church we had a special gathering and speaker.  Neal Jeffrey gave his testimony about growing up with a horrible stuttering problem(look it up on You Tube--amazing!).  He felt unloved, stupid, and unable to do anything good because he couldn't talk.  When he got saved, his life was changed because he realized that Jesus loved him exaclty like he was--severe speech disorder and all.  He talked about a Father's love and how when Neal failed in life, his daddy was always there to offer love.  Mike and I both left there feeling that God was telling us that the little boy in Korea was like Neal and deserved to be loved through the hard times and that we were that family. This type of "coincidences" kept happening and we felt like our word from the Lord was "keep moving forward."  When I talked to Carter about bringing this boy to our family, he said "Mom, my heart is for adoption."  TEARS!  How precious to see that our just turned 17yr old gets it.  He doesn't care that he won't be getting a newer car, a tv in his room, nicer clothes, and would have 1 more nutty little brother running around.  He understands that Jesus loves the orphan and that we are called to love them also.  I talked to Abby about it.  She said "sounds fun, I think we should do it".  Good gravy, it was more than my heart could take!

We needed to give our sweet caseworker an answer Monday so they could pursue other families for him if we declined.  As of Sunday night, we were torn.  Really, it was me.  Mike was all for moving forward IF I felt it was right(he has a huge daddy's heart).  Never have I respected my husband more than then.  He knew that the brunt of adjustment difficulties would fall on me.  This child would be 3 when he came home to our family.  He'd be terrified of us(especially Mike-at least Hudson was) and grieving the loss of his foster family.  He wouldn't sleep well for several months and would likely be joined at my hip for several months.  I work and we'd have to find childcare.  We don't have relatives living close by that could help keep "E" while I was at work.  I just started grad school.  How would I continue in school?  We have zero resources left to pay for adoption fees.  We pay for private, Christian school(glad to do it adn worth every penny--but still one more kid's tuition??). As for the money involved, that was not our biggest concern. We've adopted internationally 3 times and God always provides!  Yes, we sacrifice and work really hard, but He always comes through in crazy and cool ways.  I didn't think I could be a very good momma to the current kids with another little boy joining us. I found myself wondering "WWJHD?"  What would Jen Hatmaker do?

But, how could we not adopt him?  Bottom line....this boy needs a family.  His possible challenges are something we have dealt with before.  We could certainly love another Korean boy--they are super lovable and we are well-versed at adoption! We wanted to obey the Lord more than anything.

Monday morning came really early because Dillon was up roaming at 3:30am(he has some sleep issues) and Hudson was up at 5:15 couging so hard he vomited. Those 2 incidences sealed the deal for me. I  had to let our caseworker know our decision that morning.  I called her and said  couldn't do it.  I rambled about how I just didn't think I had enough left of me to give to another child.  I cried, I almost vomited.

So, now I'm angry!  Anger is a normal response in the grief process.  We had a name for this little boy.  We talked about him with our children.  We made plans for incoorporating him into our family:  putting a little bed in Dillon and Hudson's room, watching him start preK, contacting ESL teachers for his language transition.   But more than feeling a loss, I'm angry at the whole situation.  I'm ANGRY that there are 163 million orphaned children in the world and the circumstances that cause children to be orphaned.  I'm angry that our stupid culture has bought into the notion that more children in your family is a burden and that nice clothes,  expensive electronics, and a life-style of comfort and ease is what is worshipped in our country.  I'm angry that fees associated with an international adoption are high and scare off many good families.  I'm angry that Christians aren't running to bring home children like this little boy .  I'm angry that this little boy  might grow up in an institution if a family doesn't come forward to say "yes he is our son"! 

But most of all, I'mdisappointed in myself.  I am sad that I am not a super-hero-mom and I have do have limits. I guess I thought I could do it all.

You know, I used to teach adoption info classes for our agency.  One thing I always stressed to prospective families was that no child was a rescue project.  Every child deserves to be a wanted and loved member of a family.  If they were adopting out of a sense of duty--No bueno!  I guess I'm learning to live by my own teaching.

Thank you Meredith for you honest and encouraging daily emails as we walked through this.  You are right, guilt is not from the Holy Spirit.  Thank you Susie for your precious voicemail that made me smile at work yesterday.

Now, let's all get to praying for sweet little boy to find his forever family ASAP.