Looking back on 8/6/2010

Why do I recommend you keep a prayer journal?

Psalms 77: 11-2 I shall remember the deeds of [fn]the LORD; Surely I will remember Your wonders of old.

 I will meditate on all Your work And muse on Your deeds.

 It becomes an invaluable treasure of memories, prayers, answers, and feelings.  Over and over, Scripture tells us to remember and remind ourselves of God's faithfulness and blessings.  It is such a trap to live in the past and in the world of "But what if?"  I know I've struggled with that many many times. 
This day last year I was at a crazy juncture in life.  Infertile for 10 years, happy momma of 4 kids(one had just been with us 11 months) and content.  I strangely found myself pregnant.  Unfortunately, I wasn't happy or ready for that news.  It blew me out of the water and totally freaked us out.  Sadly, the pregnancy ended several weeks after, in a maddening kind of way(you can read about it under the title Choosing to Bless).  I journaled, as I have for years.  My prayers and thoughts were raw and honest, heck, why hide anything from my maker when He already knows my thoughts anyway?
On  8/6 last year I wrote
     Praise you Jesus, the sonogram shows it is in the uterus, there is a heartbeat. Help me have a joy for this life.  I can't work and take care of 5 kids--God what is going to happen??
On 8/7 last year I wrote
      Okay Lord, I may be totally off my rocker, but I think my baby is dead.    Could my hormones have plunged super quick? 

Psalm 42:5b  My soul is downcast within me, therefore I will remember you

Why do we remember the Lord when our soul is downcast?  Because remembering brings to mind the good and bad.  In this world, you can't have all good.  There is always going to be good and bad, in a fallen/sinful world.  Remembering and reflecting on the journey the Lord has brought you on requires acknowledging that somehow, you make it through the tough stuff and you see how El Shalom, God of my peace, walks with you and uses everything for His ultimate glory. 
Reflecting on the blessings of the journey keep you grateful.  Reflecting on the trials of the journey keep you dependent on Him to provide.  Reflecting on the mistakes made on the journey, keep you humble.  Reflecting on the victories in the journey, make you trust Him to carry you again, in the next trial!  Isn't that exciting? 

So, here I am, one year after my surprise baby died in my body(makes 2 we've lost in utero), I'm reflecting:
blessings:  sweet family and friends who loved on us, my 4 children are healthy, recognizing what an amazing and supportive husband I have, I now have an opportunity to furthur my degree(and the hospital pays for it!)
trials:  anger, ungrateful spirit, lack of trust in His plan(what the heck are you doing God??), physical illness
mistakes:  a few from the above-like anger, lack of trust, ungrateful
victories:  sealed in my heart how much we love our children--no matter how they came to us, worked through some deep personal loss and grief issues I'd repressed, and now I can more effectively walk alongside women who are or have experienced miscarriage