When grief slaps you across the face

I was working on a post with some really cute old pics of the kids--the ones that predate blogging.  Then, something weird happened a few hours ago.  I was talking on the phone to a friend who is newly(and very surpisingly) pregnant.  She's had some struggles with her female parts before and was guarding her heart against getting excited so early along.  I completely understand.  I said "But you know what I regret the most about my miscarriage this summer?" ......
Lump in throat

Gulp

Voice cracked

Face got hot and red

Tears

What the heck?  The grief swooped in out of nowhere and slapped me right across the face!

"I regret not enjoying the moment.  I just knew things were going to turn out badly, and I was negative from day one.  If I could do it over, I would enjoy the moment and let myself feel excited."

There ya have it, the raw and ugly truth.  I still have struggles with guilt.  I sometimes feel like I killed the baby with my negativity.  Stupid and ludicrous--I know, heck, I'm a medical professional for Pete's sake. That's the thing with grief though.  Sometimes you deal with it, no problems, cruising right along.  Last Sunday I co-hosted a baby shower for a lady at church who happens to be due on what my due date was, March 17th.  I was fine then.  Weird huh?   Want to know what else is weird?  I'm so glad I'm not about to have a baby.  Sounds crude, but I think I would have a nervous break down.  One learning to drive, one learning to not pee his pants, two in between.  No sir, a newborn is NOT what this family needs.  And yet, the sight of preggo bellies makes my heart tighten up a bit.

 Maybe I'm losing my sanity and sense of balance?

all is going well(long!)

It is over.  We got home about 5:30 yesterday afternoon from the hospital.  As far as having a terribly sad procedure and being in a hospital for several hours, it was the best experience it could be.  I must say, I'm super proud of my great big city hospital.  Every single person was super friendly, compassionate and professional.  What a weird feeling to go from being the nurse to the patient.  It was rather awkward being wheeled to the pre-op area in a gown and passing by the people in the halls who I work with all the time. 

My precious ob/gyn Doctor(who is an international adoptive mom too) told me that if I didn't want general anesthesia, then to  push to not have it.  So, I did.  I was very nervous and almost changed my mind.  The iv sedation and regional block worked really well and I didn't have to be intubated(as an icu nurse-that was my biggest fear). When I woke up from sedation, my first inclination was to start crying.  I think it hit me, it is offically over.  The worst few weeks I've ever gone through were done.  Our baby was certainly dead and not in me anymore.  That feeling left fairly quickly as I became more lucid.   I feel a little fuzzy but am not hurting and I'm eating well(it's 4:50am and I had to have a snack--but thank God, not because I'm nauseated--I'm hungry!). 

My mother picked up Hudson and Dillon yesterday.  I think they are leaving a tornado of destruction in their paths ;)  She took them to see my 94yr old grandparents and they ended up playing guns with both of their canes!  Then, Dillon slipped Hudson a ball point pen while mom was driving.  Hudson left his mark on mom's light colored leather seats!!!  Oh dear, those 2 are little monsters some time.

I want to address one thing to make sure people don't think I'm a heart-less, ungrateful person.  I've told some people that Mike and I are taking measures to make sure this never ever happens again.  My ob/gyn asked if we were sure we didn't want to be able to try for a biological child.  Our resounding answer is NO!  Now, there are those of you who don't get that.  You think we don't value getting pregnant or having a baby, like we were unhappy that we got pregnant in the first place.  Let me be clear here.  We value life.  God creates life.   In 17yrs of  marriage, we've had 3 positive pregnancy tests.  The first is our miracle sweety, Carter.  No doubt we treasure that boy!  The 2nd was an ectopic that landed me in the hospital and the 3rd was this one.   I  do  not ever ever ever want to go through what I've gone through these last 2 times. Period.    Now, the other point is that we value life already here on the earth---145million orphaned children needing a home!  If we are called to add a 5th child to our family, our huge preference is to adopt a waiting child that is considered hard to place(like Hudson), from a country that lacks the ability to give that child a promising life and future.  So, there you have the clarification.  It really doesn't matter what anyone out there in cyberspace thinks about our choices, I just felt that needed to be addressed.

So, how are you?

     It's a weird question isn't it?  First off, thank you so much to the kind friends who left encouraging comments, for the emails, the facebook messages, the texts, the calls---we appreciate it so much!
I think I can speak for anyone whose gone through something similar that emotions and thoughts are pretty mixed up right now!  For example, I don't want a bunch of hoopla, I don't want to talk about it, and I don't want a bunch of people calling to talk about it.  But, on the flip side, if I see someone who I know knows, and they don't say a word--just act like life is hunky dory, then it makes me feel like they don't care!  I know, Im a lose- lose situation kind of person, huh?
     Really, it is the most ridiculous experience.  At least with  my ectopic pregnancy, once it was over, it was over!  I'll spare you the details, but basically, nothing is  happening.  My body continues to think it is pregnant and thus, I'm up suffering with morning sickness, all the while knowing I'm carrying a tiny baby that is no longer alive.  Ohhh, I don't want to have a D and C.  I'm praying to begin to pass this very soon.
      As far as grieving, after the  initial news at the doctor, I haven't grieved much.  This is typical for me.  I view things clinically and practically until about 2 weeks after the event and then process it.  Also, this may sound quite callous to some but it is truth, Mike and I were fortunate to not have really bonded to the idea of a baby yet.  We were so shocked and overwhelmed with it all that we had not moved over to pure joy and excitement--I'm thankful for that!
     I belive this will be the last post about this experience.  I'd like to move on to the adoption mythbusters, quote more Radical by David Platt, of course I need to post about school starting, I've got some special needs children issues I'd like to address. 

Choosing to bless

A huge shock came to us 1month ago .  I found out I was pregnant!!!!  My sweet friends finding out on here:  please accept my apologies, we didn't want to tell just yet.
NO, we had not been trying for a biological child.  No, we didn't plan on another child, no we didn't think it was possible for us to have another biological child, and finally, no, we weren't exactly thrilled with the surprise.  I was super stressed out at the thought of caring for 5 children.  I was so worried that people would be all excited about the pregnancy and cause Abby, Dillon, and Hudson to feel like they were not wanted as badly--you know, people might say "after all these years, you are having one of your own".  We are very happy and content with our adoption plans.  Speaking of Hudson, he hasn't even been home a year yet.  We are still working through attachment and getting comfortable together, some days are tougher than others.  Would he resent us forever?  How would we afford another child?  How would I go back to work?  Nobody wants to babysit 5 kids(well, Carter doesn't need a sitter).  What about Carter?  He'd be 15yrs old when this baby is born????  ICK for him!  And, to top things off, I'm not exactly a spring chicken.  Let's just say I was overwhelmed with everything.  There were days I'd feel my belly and realize what a huge miracle God had given us.  Abby was praying every night for a baby sister.  I was planning on a "redo" with this newborn and just sitting in a rocker staring at the baby and nursing whenever it wanted. There were days I was so tired I couldn't take care of the kids, they took care of themselves.  Deep down, I had a worry that went beyond how we'd handle this new baby.  Deep down, I didn't think the pregnancy would make it far.  Nearly 6 years ago was my ectopic.  To make sure it wasn't in the tube again, we had a sonogram last week.  The little booger was in the right spot and had a heartbeat.  Sure, it was smaller than my dates showed it should be, but it looked good.  The very next dayI had a weird feeling.  I can't explain it, but I knew in my heart things weren't right.  Yesterday we met with the doctor.   The sonogram showed the baby hadn't grown a bit since the first sonogram and there was no longer a heartbeat.  Tears flowed and I was surprised by my saddness.  Just because I wasn't thrilled at the prospect of having another child doesn't make it any less a death of our tiny baby.  As Christians, we believe life begins at conception.

After our ectopic pregnancy, the song "Blessed Be Your Name"  by Tree 63 ministered to me over and over again.  It says

Blessed be your name

In the land that is plentiful
Where the streams of abundance flow
Blessed be your name



Blessed be your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be your name



Every blessing you pour out,
I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say...


Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name



Blessed be your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's all as it should be
Blessed be your name



Blessed be your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be your name


Every blessing you pour out,
I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say...


Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name


You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, Blessed be your name



I guess the hardest part to understand is WHY?  We weren't looking to get pregnant.  Why in the world did this have to happen?  It is just plain stupid.  It makes no sense in my mind and it hurts.  It has been a month of hell with sickness, rollercoaster of emotions, no energy, worry, joy, guilt and more guilt-like maybe it is my fault, crazy emotions, bloating etc.  All to end so strangely.  The cruel joke on me is that my body still thinks it is pregnant and so I'm really sick feeling.   We are choosing to bless and trust our faithful Sovereign God.  I also have to say that Mike has been my rock.  What an amazing man.  He's held me when I cried, taken care of the children when I had to go to bed, listened to me vent, assured me it would all work out,  brought me crackers and drinks before getting out of bed in the morning.  Thanks honey.

Habbakuk 3:17-19
17 Though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls,
 yet I will rejoice in the LORD,
I will be joyful in God my Savior.
The Sovereign LORD is my strength;
he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
he enables me to go on the heights.

Secondary Infertility

I've been thinking about posting about secondary infertility for a while. It's one of those things that you know affects many many people and brings lots of heartache. But, it some ways, it is a condition that is poorly understood, and, to be frank not interesting to many people. Secondary infertility is very lonely. When you have a child biologically without any trouble, you are expected to reproduce again. Let's face it, by the time your first baby is turning one, people are asking "So, when is ___ going to have a baby brother or sister?" Then, by the time the child is 2.5yrs old, those same people are saying stupid things like "you better hurry up and have another baby before he gets too old." This implies that there is a magic window that children should have a sibling. When Carter was turning 5 and we were waiting on Abby's travel clearance I was told the rudest comment. A coworker told me that if Abby didn't come home soon, we'd have two separate families. That is just ridiculous! As if their sibling relationship will be poorer because of an age difference. All the while, the couple struggling with secondary infertility doesn't know what in the world to do! The plumbing all worked one time, so why isn't it working again? Doctors are hesitant to investigate for physical or chemical problems because you've produced one child without trouble. You feel ungrateful and pathetic when you are sad and frustrated because deep down you wonder if that one child isn't enough to make you happy and you realize that other people would give anything to have ONE baby! Couples walking through primary infertility have zero sympathy for you and think you should be happy with what you have.

Another complicated issue is that once you have a child by birth, you are grouped into the "fertile club." You know what I mean.... at every single child's party or playdate, all the momma's begin telling pregnancy and birth stories. Then, all the other momma's end up pregnant with baby number 2 and 3. In some ways you fit in with them, but you also begin to dread hanging out with these friends. Every month is a downer. I tallied up that in a span of 8 years, I'd spent roughly 750.00 on over the counter pregnancy tests. It was easier to just take one when I was 1 hour later than my calender told me I should start--rather than get a glimmer of hope. You were so blessed to experience pregnancy and birth that you really and truly know what you are missing. You kept all the baby stuff you'd need like the crib, stroller, high-chair,maternity clothes. I remember living with intense guilt when we found out we most likely would never have another biological child. I was sad about not cherishing every moment with my baby. What I would have given to have a redo and sit and nurse and rock him, instead of being tired, impatient and wishing those times away.

Looking into options to build your family become more complicated. Do you try to adopt a child that might look like your existing child? Do you navigate the miraculous blessing, and yet, complicated waters of transracial adoption? How would your existing child adjust to that? Do you try high tech fertility treatments or wait, knowing that if it all worked once, it should work again. How long do you wait until adopting? What if your biological child is getting older and older, did you miss that window for a sibling? UGH, very complicated and emotionally sticky!

If you are struggling with secondary infertility, I'm sorry. I feel for ya! If nobody else understands your pain, I'm telling you that I do!