Choosing to bless

A huge shock came to us 1month ago .  I found out I was pregnant!!!!  My sweet friends finding out on here:  please accept my apologies, we didn't want to tell just yet.
NO, we had not been trying for a biological child.  No, we didn't plan on another child, no we didn't think it was possible for us to have another biological child, and finally, no, we weren't exactly thrilled with the surprise.  I was super stressed out at the thought of caring for 5 children.  I was so worried that people would be all excited about the pregnancy and cause Abby, Dillon, and Hudson to feel like they were not wanted as badly--you know, people might say "after all these years, you are having one of your own".  We are very happy and content with our adoption plans.  Speaking of Hudson, he hasn't even been home a year yet.  We are still working through attachment and getting comfortable together, some days are tougher than others.  Would he resent us forever?  How would we afford another child?  How would I go back to work?  Nobody wants to babysit 5 kids(well, Carter doesn't need a sitter).  What about Carter?  He'd be 15yrs old when this baby is born????  ICK for him!  And, to top things off, I'm not exactly a spring chicken.  Let's just say I was overwhelmed with everything.  There were days I'd feel my belly and realize what a huge miracle God had given us.  Abby was praying every night for a baby sister.  I was planning on a "redo" with this newborn and just sitting in a rocker staring at the baby and nursing whenever it wanted. There were days I was so tired I couldn't take care of the kids, they took care of themselves.  Deep down, I had a worry that went beyond how we'd handle this new baby.  Deep down, I didn't think the pregnancy would make it far.  Nearly 6 years ago was my ectopic.  To make sure it wasn't in the tube again, we had a sonogram last week.  The little booger was in the right spot and had a heartbeat.  Sure, it was smaller than my dates showed it should be, but it looked good.  The very next dayI had a weird feeling.  I can't explain it, but I knew in my heart things weren't right.  Yesterday we met with the doctor.   The sonogram showed the baby hadn't grown a bit since the first sonogram and there was no longer a heartbeat.  Tears flowed and I was surprised by my saddness.  Just because I wasn't thrilled at the prospect of having another child doesn't make it any less a death of our tiny baby.  As Christians, we believe life begins at conception.

After our ectopic pregnancy, the song "Blessed Be Your Name"  by Tree 63 ministered to me over and over again.  It says

Blessed be your name

In the land that is plentiful
Where the streams of abundance flow
Blessed be your name



Blessed be your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be your name



Every blessing you pour out,
I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say...


Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name



Blessed be your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's all as it should be
Blessed be your name



Blessed be your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be your name


Every blessing you pour out,
I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say...


Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name


You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, Blessed be your name



I guess the hardest part to understand is WHY?  We weren't looking to get pregnant.  Why in the world did this have to happen?  It is just plain stupid.  It makes no sense in my mind and it hurts.  It has been a month of hell with sickness, rollercoaster of emotions, no energy, worry, joy, guilt and more guilt-like maybe it is my fault, crazy emotions, bloating etc.  All to end so strangely.  The cruel joke on me is that my body still thinks it is pregnant and so I'm really sick feeling.   We are choosing to bless and trust our faithful Sovereign God.  I also have to say that Mike has been my rock.  What an amazing man.  He's held me when I cried, taken care of the children when I had to go to bed, listened to me vent, assured me it would all work out,  brought me crackers and drinks before getting out of bed in the morning.  Thanks honey.

Habbakuk 3:17-19
17 Though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls,
 yet I will rejoice in the LORD,
I will be joyful in God my Savior.
The Sovereign LORD is my strength;
he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
he enables me to go on the heights.