Secondary Infertility

I've been thinking about posting about secondary infertility for a while. It's one of those things that you know affects many many people and brings lots of heartache. But, it some ways, it is a condition that is poorly understood, and, to be frank not interesting to many people. Secondary infertility is very lonely. When you have a child biologically without any trouble, you are expected to reproduce again. Let's face it, by the time your first baby is turning one, people are asking "So, when is ___ going to have a baby brother or sister?" Then, by the time the child is 2.5yrs old, those same people are saying stupid things like "you better hurry up and have another baby before he gets too old." This implies that there is a magic window that children should have a sibling. When Carter was turning 5 and we were waiting on Abby's travel clearance I was told the rudest comment. A coworker told me that if Abby didn't come home soon, we'd have two separate families. That is just ridiculous! As if their sibling relationship will be poorer because of an age difference. All the while, the couple struggling with secondary infertility doesn't know what in the world to do! The plumbing all worked one time, so why isn't it working again? Doctors are hesitant to investigate for physical or chemical problems because you've produced one child without trouble. You feel ungrateful and pathetic when you are sad and frustrated because deep down you wonder if that one child isn't enough to make you happy and you realize that other people would give anything to have ONE baby! Couples walking through primary infertility have zero sympathy for you and think you should be happy with what you have.

Another complicated issue is that once you have a child by birth, you are grouped into the "fertile club." You know what I mean.... at every single child's party or playdate, all the momma's begin telling pregnancy and birth stories. Then, all the other momma's end up pregnant with baby number 2 and 3. In some ways you fit in with them, but you also begin to dread hanging out with these friends. Every month is a downer. I tallied up that in a span of 8 years, I'd spent roughly 750.00 on over the counter pregnancy tests. It was easier to just take one when I was 1 hour later than my calender told me I should start--rather than get a glimmer of hope. You were so blessed to experience pregnancy and birth that you really and truly know what you are missing. You kept all the baby stuff you'd need like the crib, stroller, high-chair,maternity clothes. I remember living with intense guilt when we found out we most likely would never have another biological child. I was sad about not cherishing every moment with my baby. What I would have given to have a redo and sit and nurse and rock him, instead of being tired, impatient and wishing those times away.

Looking into options to build your family become more complicated. Do you try to adopt a child that might look like your existing child? Do you navigate the miraculous blessing, and yet, complicated waters of transracial adoption? How would your existing child adjust to that? Do you try high tech fertility treatments or wait, knowing that if it all worked once, it should work again. How long do you wait until adopting? What if your biological child is getting older and older, did you miss that window for a sibling? UGH, very complicated and emotionally sticky!

If you are struggling with secondary infertility, I'm sorry. I feel for ya! If nobody else understands your pain, I'm telling you that I do!