When grief slaps you across the face

I was working on a post with some really cute old pics of the kids--the ones that predate blogging.  Then, something weird happened a few hours ago.  I was talking on the phone to a friend who is newly(and very surpisingly) pregnant.  She's had some struggles with her female parts before and was guarding her heart against getting excited so early along.  I completely understand.  I said "But you know what I regret the most about my miscarriage this summer?" ......
Lump in throat

Gulp

Voice cracked

Face got hot and red

Tears

What the heck?  The grief swooped in out of nowhere and slapped me right across the face!

"I regret not enjoying the moment.  I just knew things were going to turn out badly, and I was negative from day one.  If I could do it over, I would enjoy the moment and let myself feel excited."

There ya have it, the raw and ugly truth.  I still have struggles with guilt.  I sometimes feel like I killed the baby with my negativity.  Stupid and ludicrous--I know, heck, I'm a medical professional for Pete's sake. That's the thing with grief though.  Sometimes you deal with it, no problems, cruising right along.  Last Sunday I co-hosted a baby shower for a lady at church who happens to be due on what my due date was, March 17th.  I was fine then.  Weird huh?   Want to know what else is weird?  I'm so glad I'm not about to have a baby.  Sounds crude, but I think I would have a nervous break down.  One learning to drive, one learning to not pee his pants, two in between.  No sir, a newborn is NOT what this family needs.  And yet, the sight of preggo bellies makes my heart tighten up a bit.

 Maybe I'm losing my sanity and sense of balance?