5 years ago today

We got a big surprise.  Carter was 8, Abby was 4, and Dillon was almost 2.  I didn't feel right and new something strange was happening.  To quench my curiosity, I bought a pregnancy test while grocery shopping with Abby and Dillon.  I kid you not when I say that I bought it, went to the restroom there in Kroger and took the test with Abby and Dillon in the stall!!!  Well, you guessed it,it was positive.  God had clearly, almost audibly told me, in August of 2000, that I'd never be pregnant again and we'd build our family through adoption.  What the heck was happening??  I shook like a leaf while I finished buying groceries, called my good friend Kim and left a message on her phone that said "I think I'm having a crisis here."  You see, I'd so desperately wanted to be pregnant for many years.  But, not anymore.  I was sad thinking about my 2 Asian children sandwiched between biological children.  I could hear the  insensitive sayings swirl in my head "See, I KNEW you'd get pregnant after you adopted"  UGH, I hate that statement! It implies that after you settled for second best, you really got the true prize.  When I told MIke that night, he reminded me that this was good news and a blessing.  We went to bed.  At 1am I woke up in severe pain.   I worked in ER for 5 years and had seen tubal pregnancies.  So, a few hours later, I was admitted to the hospital with a tubal pregnancy.  I'm so thankful that we didn't know about the baby until it was too late.  I'm so thankful I never had a chance to get excited or tell people about it.  God was merciful in the fact that I was so early in the pregnancy, that I didn't have to have surgery.  At 7pm that night, I signed consent for them to give me a shot that is similar to a chemo drug.  Basically, it destroys rapidly dividing cells.  What a horrible horrible thing for a Christian who is prolife and believes life begins at conception to make the decision to receive a medication to kill the tiny new life growing inside.  It was to spare my life.  My sweet and patient ob/gyn said "Libby, people still die from tubal pregnancies."  The enormity of it all really didn't hit me until a week later and I lost it.  Was the baby a girl or boy?  Would it have looked just like Carter?  Why, after begging God to let me get pregnant in earlier years, did this happen?  I'll never know, this side of heaven the answers to those questions.  But, one day, when Jesus calls me home, I'll meet my 5th child and know all the answers.  For now, I'm so blessed and happy with my family. We are content.  I mean, I feel like the most blessed and favored woman in the world!!!