some random updates and ramblings

This isn't a post about anything really, but my blog is kind of my journal.  I happen to have a few hours alone(whoohooo!).  I'm listening to Gateway worship and Hillsongs loudly while doing laundry---yippeeee!!!  A wonderful appliance repairman came out this morning.  You wouldn't believe how much laundry a family of 6 generates in 5 days.

I wanted to post about this yesterday.  As you know, Hudson has been home just over a year now.  We've adopted internationally 3 times now.  I think I'm qualified to say that it takes at least 6 months to a year to really get in the groove and feel bonded/attached/settled.  These things take time.  As I lay down next to Hudson yesterday at nap time and watched him sleep, I felt this huge momma bear feeling of love, wonder, and protection.  The words to Steven Curtis Chapman's song that he wrote after adopting from China played over and over in my mind....
     When love takes you in everything changes
     A miracle starts with the beat of a heart
     And this love will never let you go
     There is nothing that could ever
     cause this love to lose its hold

It would have been so easy to hit delete when we saw the email from our adoption agency regarding a waiting toddler boy who needed a family.   When we put him to bed at night he says "Good night, I love you, I love you best!"  Knife in heart--really---how precious is that???  I finished reading Choosing to SEE by Mary Beth Chapman(his wife).  Holy cow--that book about killed me!!!!  But, it was just what I needed;  a great reminder to cherish the moments with our kids.  She told a story of an orphaned baby boy she named Hudson.  It made me ugly cry, you know, the snot running out your nose kind of cry.  I'll share it soon.

I've been a tad sad over the pregnancy loss this summer.  I was bloated after dinner the other night and rubbed my belly.  Man, it really hit me hard--like I'd been robbed!  Like rubbing my belly triggered the reality of life and death that came and went--and I wasn't even happy about it when it was still life!!  Guilt, sorrow, pain, anger, reliving fertility crap that we'd worked through years ago--all comes bubbling up again.  I guess that is just how loss is huh?  You do fine for a while, then slap, hit with something that triggers it?  It also makes you kind of wonder "well, who's missing?"  Like there is supposed to be another little person here.  Don't worry, we are in no place to adopt again, and most likely never will, but your heart does wonder if there was supposed to be 5.  Even Mike verbalized that thought back in August.

And, how's this for awesome?  As you know, Mike is a Jr/Sr high school principal.  One of his former students called today and offered 1 ticket to the Rangers vs Yankees opener tonight.  LUCKY!  Or, I guess I should say blessed.  He hasn't told me if he accepted it or not.  He had to work out some details.  What a sweet sweet young man Josh is.