Free adoption education time...

Honestly, my nerves are starting to frazzle. A few days ago, our caseworker at Dillon International told me that I'd been really patient and she was impressed. Yeah, actually, I have done great. I haven't cried or thrown anything--Yet! :) Really, this time around has been not too bad as far as the waiting. I'm super busy with work and 3 kids already. I'm really trying to not obsess over our wait. So, I thought I'd spend a post offering some education to our friends and family so you all will be more prepared for our big blessing. Here are things to never say or ask:
1. "You get to have a child the easy way, you don't have to be pregnant and give birth."
Seriously, that is the dumbest statement ever. I mean, would you wish that you'd miss out on the first 20months of your child's life? I'll never ever know what he looked like when he first smiled, what his first word was, how he looked when he slept next to his foster momma as a 3month old. Also, when you are pregnant, that child is with you constantly. You know it exists and you know how it is developing. You feel kicks and see evidence of growing. You have control over what you feed it and such. My angel boy is thousands of miles away. We last got an update late March. What does he eat? What toy does he like the most? How big is he? We are still waiting on immigration approval and could likely not travel for many more weeks!
2. "I'm sure he will adjust quickly, kids respond to love"
I know, in many senses this is true. However, please don't discount the enormous trauma children go through when taken to a new family, new culture, new language, and leave all they've ever known. Yes, moving to a new family is certainly better than the alternative--living your life as an orphan in an institution. But, studies clearly show that children with life altering separations grieve for many many months. Most social workers say that when a child is adopted, he will need the same amount of time with the new family to for strong attachements as he was in his prior home. So, Hudson is 19months old. He has been in a foster family since he was 2.5months old(was in hospital first 2.5months of life). This means that we won't expect him to be strongly attached to us as his mom and dad until he has lived with us 19months. Of course, he may be different and bond very quickly. I hope so!! But, we are being realistic. We've read books and taken classes on helping children move through the grief process. For the above reasons, we will put into place some limitations. We will not let anyone but Mike and I care for Hudson for many months. This means we do all the soothing, diapering, feeding and snuggling. Sure, grandparents and aunts/uncles and such can hold him and play with him. But, when it comes to the roles of parent, Mike and I will jealously gaurd that position. We must make sure Hudson comes to realize we are his forever parents and that new parents won't show up next year to take him away.
3. "When my child was ___ age, he was doing ____"
You don't compare apples to oranges right? So, you can't compare development of a child newly arrived in a home with a child who has securely been attached and cared for by his/her biological parents his whole life. If you see us bottle feed Hudson at age 22months, don't worry about it. If he doesn't put puzzles together, know his ABCs, and act like your child did at his age, don't worry about it. Children going through major trauma and grief usually regress. This is perfectly normal and we will not do anything to make him act older. As far as language goes, for his whole life, he has heard Korean spoken. He already talks in Korean. He will have to have a lot of time to listen to English before he can be expected to start speaking English. Be aware that noisy, crowded and exciting environments may totally over-stimulate him. A trip to Wal-Mart may make him melt down.

Well, that about wraps up the biggies. AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH, if the immigration approval doesn't come in the mail today, I'm gonna blow!!! Hmmm, what to do to cope? I'm thinking Blue Bell ice cream, shopping, listening to Kari Jobe cd, hanging out at Susie's house, or jogging(nah, too hot), will all help!