Another Hudson funny

I'm working on my 12 page Concept Analysis  of Immobility in the ICU paper for my grad class.  It is due next week.  Can I just say that I'm the WORST graduate student ever?!  Really, I have no motivation and put off working as long as I can.  Maybe this was a stupid idea?  Anyways...I'm sitting at my laptop--butt numb--and need a break.  So here is a Hudson funny(he is hysterical)

Last week he was in Spanish class at preK.  They were learning their colors.  Mr. Perez asked "Hudson, what is gris?"  The correct answer is gray.  Hudson piped up with "Its what comes out of a hot dog when you eat it!"  Tore the teacher up. He thought that was a classic!

Revisiting Piper's words

I love good books.  I especially love challenging ones.  So I picked up our highlighted-up(not a real word, but you get the drift) copy of Don't Waste Your Life by John Piper. This is my 4th time to read the very deep, inspiring, thought-provoking, and convicting book.  Awesome to chew on and discuss.  Here a few of my fav quotes:

"It is the will of God that we be uncertain about how life on this earth will turn out for us.  And therefore it is the will of the Lord that we take risks for the cause of God"
"The world is not impressed when Christians get rich and say thanks to God.  They are impressed when God is so satisfying that we give our riches away for Christ's sake and count it gain"
"God created us for this: to live our lives in a way that makes him look more like the greatness and the beauty and the infinite worth that he really is."

I'll tell you about a risk I took 20yrs ago and boy did it pay off.  I'd broken up with Mike because I was scared silly about knowing from the moment I met him, that I was to marry him.  We'd been broken up about 5 weeks and I was miserable--knew I'd screwed up!  The Baptist Student Union at our college had a Valentines skating party.  Lo and behold, the owner called for the dudes to line up on one side of the rink and the gals on the other.  She played some early 90's love songs and called me up.  I had to skate across to the dudes and pick my skating partner!!  UGGGH.  I skated straight to Mike and laced my hand in his.  What a risk it was.  He could have refused and who knows what kind of lame-o I'd ended up with??  But, here we are, 20yrs later, living life to the fullest.  That giant risk paid off BIG

Carter and Nick Take the Mic

Carter and his buddy played at a local hipster-type eatery last Friday night.  Seriously, they blew the other artists out of the water!!  The crowd was asking "how old are those guys and who are those guys?"  It was so stinkin' awesome to see my son's musical ability and performer talent shine.  My dad said "he just turned 17--think what he will be like when he is 20!"

We won't be announcing great news this week(long!)

...because there isn't great news to announce.  The past 2 weeks have been really hard.  Remember the post about the waiting 2 yr little boy in Korea?  How we were interested in adopting him if the other families fell through?  Well, they fell through.  We spent the last 2 weeks praying our hearts out about adopting the sweet angel.  Our pediatrician reviewed the file and felt good about him.  God seemed to speak his approval over and over.  Literally, one morning last week I woke up and instantly began thinking "I can't do this, no way can I add another kid right now!"  I went to my closet and opened my Bible to my daily Old Testament passage(remember, I follow a "read the Bible in a year" plan and don't pick the passages).  The first few words were the story of Gideon.  Ever studied that story?  Basically, Gideon was minding his own business, working the land, when an angel of the Lord appeared to him and said "Greetings, mighty warrior."  The angle unfolded how Gideon would be used in a huge way to save Isreal.  Gideon offered excuses about how he wasn't equipped, but God revealed how He would be with Gideon and strengthen him.  God used Gideon in a crazy and miraculous way to deliver Isreal from the oppressors.  I knew God was speaking to me from His Holy Word.  Another example, last Sunday night at church we had a special gathering and speaker.  Neal Jeffrey gave his testimony about growing up with a horrible stuttering problem(look it up on You Tube--amazing!).  He felt unloved, stupid, and unable to do anything good because he couldn't talk.  When he got saved, his life was changed because he realized that Jesus loved him exaclty like he was--severe speech disorder and all.  He talked about a Father's love and how when Neal failed in life, his daddy was always there to offer love.  Mike and I both left there feeling that God was telling us that the little boy in Korea was like Neal and deserved to be loved through the hard times and that we were that family. This type of "coincidences" kept happening and we felt like our word from the Lord was "keep moving forward."  When I talked to Carter about bringing this boy to our family, he said "Mom, my heart is for adoption."  TEARS!  How precious to see that our just turned 17yr old gets it.  He doesn't care that he won't be getting a newer car, a tv in his room, nicer clothes, and would have 1 more nutty little brother running around.  He understands that Jesus loves the orphan and that we are called to love them also.  I talked to Abby about it.  She said "sounds fun, I think we should do it".  Good gravy, it was more than my heart could take!

We needed to give our sweet caseworker an answer Monday so they could pursue other families for him if we declined.  As of Sunday night, we were torn.  Really, it was me.  Mike was all for moving forward IF I felt it was right(he has a huge daddy's heart).  Never have I respected my husband more than then.  He knew that the brunt of adjustment difficulties would fall on me.  This child would be 3 when he came home to our family.  He'd be terrified of us(especially Mike-at least Hudson was) and grieving the loss of his foster family.  He wouldn't sleep well for several months and would likely be joined at my hip for several months.  I work and we'd have to find childcare.  We don't have relatives living close by that could help keep "E" while I was at work.  I just started grad school.  How would I continue in school?  We have zero resources left to pay for adoption fees.  We pay for private, Christian school(glad to do it adn worth every penny--but still one more kid's tuition??). As for the money involved, that was not our biggest concern. We've adopted internationally 3 times and God always provides!  Yes, we sacrifice and work really hard, but He always comes through in crazy and cool ways.  I didn't think I could be a very good momma to the current kids with another little boy joining us. I found myself wondering "WWJHD?"  What would Jen Hatmaker do?

But, how could we not adopt him?  Bottom line....this boy needs a family.  His possible challenges are something we have dealt with before.  We could certainly love another Korean boy--they are super lovable and we are well-versed at adoption! We wanted to obey the Lord more than anything.

Monday morning came really early because Dillon was up roaming at 3:30am(he has some sleep issues) and Hudson was up at 5:15 couging so hard he vomited. Those 2 incidences sealed the deal for me. I  had to let our caseworker know our decision that morning.  I called her and said  couldn't do it.  I rambled about how I just didn't think I had enough left of me to give to another child.  I cried, I almost vomited.

So, now I'm angry!  Anger is a normal response in the grief process.  We had a name for this little boy.  We talked about him with our children.  We made plans for incoorporating him into our family:  putting a little bed in Dillon and Hudson's room, watching him start preK, contacting ESL teachers for his language transition.   But more than feeling a loss, I'm angry at the whole situation.  I'm ANGRY that there are 163 million orphaned children in the world and the circumstances that cause children to be orphaned.  I'm angry that our stupid culture has bought into the notion that more children in your family is a burden and that nice clothes,  expensive electronics, and a life-style of comfort and ease is what is worshipped in our country.  I'm angry that fees associated with an international adoption are high and scare off many good families.  I'm angry that Christians aren't running to bring home children like this little boy .  I'm angry that this little boy  might grow up in an institution if a family doesn't come forward to say "yes he is our son"! 

But most of all, I'mdisappointed in myself.  I am sad that I am not a super-hero-mom and I have do have limits. I guess I thought I could do it all.

You know, I used to teach adoption info classes for our agency.  One thing I always stressed to prospective families was that no child was a rescue project.  Every child deserves to be a wanted and loved member of a family.  If they were adopting out of a sense of duty--No bueno!  I guess I'm learning to live by my own teaching.

Thank you Meredith for you honest and encouraging daily emails as we walked through this.  You are right, guilt is not from the Holy Spirit.  Thank you Susie for your precious voicemail that made me smile at work yesterday.

Now, let's all get to praying for sweet little boy to find his forever family ASAP.

what the kids are up to

Abby, the one with the passive and quiet personality, has taken to basketball.  She got 3 fouls in a game!  The 6th grade boys and girls from our school are both playing for the district championship tonight. She recently began taking piano lessons.  Thankfully, no interest in boys yet! She is such a help right now while we have to keep our house clean for showings.

Carter turns 17 Saturday!  They are planning an all night airsoft war game. Let's just say that academics are not what gets him fired up.  He loves music more than anything and has a heart to serve others selflessly.  He is tickled to death by his little brothers and generally a delight to all who meet him.

Dillon also is playing basketball.  He loves to shoot baskets outside and takes defense seriously.  If you could see the way he worships at church, you'd wish you had his heart and spirit.  He is the king of the pull-out special classes at school.  The teachers will text me that he is couging and they are going to let him stay in their room during recess so he won't cough more.  Charmer!

And Hudson, well, he is crazy!  He grins all the time and talks non-stop.  Eyes pop open in the morning, and the commentary on life begins. He adores school and I hear a million times a day "He is SO cute!".  He is pre-reading and scares me with his intelligence.  Oh, he has turned in to a hypochondriac.  At least 5 times a day he tells us something hurts or is sick.  I'm trying to teach him about the boy who cried wolf.

How to know if God is speaking to you

Pastor Robert Morris says that you can discern if God is speaking to you by putting it to 3 tests:
1. He confirms in his Word.  Does what He is speaking to you line up with His Word, can you see it confirmed in Scripture?
2. He confirms in circumstances(those crazy coincidences that just happened at the right time, and you can't believe that "it" just happened while you were praying something specifically)
3. He confirms with other people(do His people speak it to you and feel it lines up with God's character?)

moving?

We listed our house Monday!  Our dream house on the hill that is stuck in the 80's was still vacant and it was just time to try.  This is why we want to move: 

our backyard view is of houses and a crowded street and below is the backyard of the "new" house!

  It has 1 acre, a flat drive-way for Dillon to shoot baskets(his fav past time), a separate bathroom all for Abby(the princess of the home), and a little sunroom away from the bedrooms that will be Carter's music room so we doesn't rock the little boys' sleep with electrical guitar sounds at night.  The house has cool, original Parquet floors in the kitchen/breakfast nook! 

Anyway, I'm conflicted these days.  Big things swirling around in our heads.  And, after all my preaching about living to serve others, it is kind of hard to reconcile us wanting a different house when we have a perfectly nice one right now.  I think of all the people in the world with no home and feel shame at being discontent.

If you have a little time:  pray would ya?  Not for our house to sell super quick and for a good price.  Pray for the Lord's will to be done and for him to be glorified in our lives AND for our sanity as we try to keep the house "perfect" for showings with 4 kids, 2 poodles, and jobs!